Love Me, Choose Me, Pick Me
Grey’s Anatomy is my guilty pleasure. Its as close to blood and guts as I can get. When I first heard Meredith begging for Derek to pick her over his (soon-to-be-ex) wife Addison, I was like, “Oh, come on girl!” I felt like Meredith had poured heart out for nothing but more heartache. All she wanted was for Derek to commit to her, and she was finally ready to commit to him. This often how we feel towards others. We want to be loved. I think everyone had experienced the typical rejection in school when we are picked last for a team. As much as we don’t want to admit it, we are like Meredith Grey. We seek approval, love, and have a desired to be pursued. I want to be pursued for a deep relationship. I want people to want to spend one-on-one time with me.
At training camp I went when in with the thinking of, “I cant’ wait to be there others!” “I can’t wait to pray over others and make it better!” God gave me an extroverted, relationship-oriented, free spirited heart that truly desires to help others emotionally. However, half of my heart was “I’m doing this because God gave me a sensitive spirit to help others.” But the other half of my heart was, “If I’m there for them, they will want to be around me.” I know that it sounds very un-WWJD like, but its the truth. I crave deep relationships with others. I honestly want to others deeply, I want to know how God has moved in their lives. However, I can’t make them want a relationship with me. I don’t want to be the person screaming, “Love Me, Choose Me, Pick Me!” but I am. I want to be loved. I want to be chosen. I want to be the first pick. When it comes to my romantic relationships, or rather lack there of, I haven’t been picked first. It use to really annoy me. The guy would always pick my friend over me. We would still be friends and I would be annoyed. I don’t feel like a part of me is missing or my life is on hold. Don’t get me wrong, my family has never made me feel unloved or unwanted. Literally everyday of my life, minus the two weeks of Training Camp, my mom has said, “I love you!” My family has been a huge support system, and I’m so thankful!
At training camp, God showed me that yes I wasn’t picked first by man, but I was chosen by Him. Yes, its a desire of my heart to get married and raise a family. However, right now its a stronger desire of my heart to be a missionary. Many of my friends are married and have children and that is fantastic! But, my heart is not ready for that chapter of life. I love children, but I don’t want any right now. I want a husband, but I don’t want a romantic relationship right now. God knew what He was doing all this time. At training camp, He pushed “pause” on those desires of my heart and pushed “play” on the missionary desires of my heart. I can’t wait to build relationships with my amazing teammates, wonderful squadmates, and the missionary hosts.
At training camp, God showed me He is pursuing me! He is loving me! He chose me! He picked me!
His love is enough. He pursuit for me is overwhelming!
***PS I’m so close to reach my second fundraising goal of $10,000. I need about $1,000 in order to launch in ten days! Thank you for your support, prayer, and love!
