Je ne sais pas.
“Je ne sais pas” (“I don’t know”), was about the only thing I remember from four years of high school and French 201 and 202. I left the United States 12 days ago. I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know how I’m suppose to feel. My spirit is very sensitive to the heaviness of Côte d’Ivoire. The country is in a state of rebuilding from the bottom up. Everywhere you go, there is a specialty shop for an avenue of rebuilding, such tile floors, ceiling lights, and decorating materials. I don’t know how to process everything that has happened in the past 12 days. I’ve witnessed healings, demons being cast out, and prophetic tongues. I don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t know if I should be skeptical, in awe, or numb. I don’t know.
I don’t know what God wants me to do. I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know if I want to be a teacher anymore. I don’t know how I can communicate effectively in French. I don’t know if I will be able to finally focus. I don’t know if I can concentrate without any distractions. I don’t know how to just press into God. I don’t know if I can feel productive with all my free time. I don’t know if I will ever not feel anxious of my stutter before I stand up to speak to a church. I don’t know how often I will be able to contact my family and friends. I don’t know if I will ever be okay with the gender restrictions. I don’t know if I will get use to not having coffee everyday. I don’t know what I believe about everything I’ve witnessed. I don’t know how I will go 11 months without hugging my family.
However, I do know that God is AMAZING! I do know this is completely worth the “American Dream” that I never was drawn to anyway. I do know that I enjoy speaking in front of people. I do know that I love playing and being around children. I do know that I’ve enjoyed not having internet for over a week now. I do know that love to give massages and love my teammates. I do know that I am very thankful for hot water to make instant coffee. I do know that I’m enjoying living spontaneously. I spontaneously let my squadmate Brandon cut my hair with his pocketknife. I do know I trust these amazing people. I do know I throughly enjoy taking pictures of this beautiful war-torn country. I do know I am here for a reason. I do know its okay to question. I do know God has a plan. I do know its okay not to know how to feel. I do know I feel a peace that I didn’t feel State bound. I do know that I feel peace and joy!
About a year a starting having dreams of being a missionary in Africa. And I’ve always known I was called to missions. Those dreams have become my reality. I was swinging in my hammock this weekend, and it hit me, “I AM in Africa as a missionary!” I may not know how to feel and process everything, but I do know God is faithful and He plan is way better then I could ever imagine for myself. I do know I was able to stay in a front of a youth group and share how God has a plan for our lives. I enjoyed speaking about my life plan, and that something I never thought I would be saying that.
Much love,
Sarah Amberley
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PS: I need to raise about +$3,500 before the end of September. Please playfully consider donating so I can continue this race.
