Recently, I have been struggling with hearing God’s voice. I am surrounded by vibrant believers. Nepal is predominantly Hindu and Buddhist, with Christianity making up about 1% of the population. The church here is one of the fastest growing in the world, rating very similarly to the underground church in China. Christianity is legal here, but nonetheless persecuted and despised. With Hinduism and Buddhism so predominant, Christian believers are forced to make a radical decision to follow Christ, and give up all other practices. Families excommunicate their loved ones for becoming a Christian, and I continue to hear story after story of members being beaten and thrown out of their homes when they told their families.
Because following Christ is such a radical and hard life, most Christians here are vibrant believers, and it is shown in their life, their words, and their actions. My squad has recently been learning more about spiritual gifts, and many have been experiencing spiritual warfare. While these are not foreign concepts to me, I have not personally explored these things. Much of this is new to me, and I have seen many teammates walking in new found spiritual gifts. I am excited for them as the learn and experience more of this, but as I see more people experiencing these things, doubt begins to grow stronger.
As a whole, the squad seems to be experiencing a lot of spiritual warfare. I struggle with this, because sometimes the things that others see as “warfare,” I tend to reason away as natural occurrences. I interpret these events as happening due to cause and effect. For example, half of our squad has been sick in the past week – some with dehydration, some with colds, some with strep throat, etc. Each of these having a clear cause – we are all living together, 55 people, in one house. Viruses spread quickly in that environment – people forget to drink water, stomachs aren’t used to the food, etc. I think that each of these things can be used to drag us down and cause discouragement, but I’m not sure that I would interpret it all as spiritual warfare. When I think of spiritual warfare, I think of dark events. Reoccurring nightmares without an obvious cause, demonic experiences, etc. I think that anything that brings trials to believers can be easily used by the devil to create doubt and discouragement. But at least in my mind, I don’t interpret everything as spiritual warfare. For example, if you eat sketchy, uncooked meat from a street vendor, you will most likely get food poisoning. When that happens, I don’t see it as a supernatural occurrence. Maybe I am trying to logically reason away a lot of things, and this is causing doubt. Maybe this is how the devil is working. Maybe that’s spiritual warfare.
As I see so many people experiencing these new things – mainly spiritual warfare and newfound spiritual gifts – I feel left out. This has made me question God. If everyone is so clearly hearing from Him, be that through listening prayer, spiritual discernment, prophesies, and other “spiritual gifts,” why am I not also experiencing these things? If not all of these, why not at least one? Comparison becomes such an issue here. I am so discouraged that I haven’t clearly heard from God. People all around me seem to hear him so clearly. Someone always seems to have a “word” that the Lord has given them, a vision, or an experience that drew them closer to Him. It is wonderful and amazing to see that in them, but I compare myself and become discouraged. I haven’t seen a clear vision or heard a clear word. When I pray, it seems like a one-sided conversation. I desperately want to hear Him, to see Him, or to feel Him somehow. When I read the bible, I feel as if I am merely reading. I know that He is here, and His presence surrounds us. I know that I have heard Him before, in many ways. I know all these things, yet I still struggle to feel near Him.
Today, the sermon that was preached touched on these topics. The pastor taught as Christians we need to live by faith. That does not mean by feelings. We need to let Christ guide us and not be swayed by emotions. I agree with this, but I also know that in the past, when I have strongly felt God’s presence, it has been an unexplainable feeling. I felt inspired, loved, hopeful, peaceful, and so many more emotions. I know that God is always present, and that is not determined by whether or not I feel those emotions or feel close to Him. But it feels like so long since I have strongly sensed His presence.
I tend to be a visual person. One of my ways of worshiping is learning to see the world through God’s eyes. Photography has played an influential part in learning to see in this way. I notice the beauty in things that a lot of people do not, and I know that this is God’s way of showing me His creation and His glory. Yesterday, I went up to the roof of the building where we are staying and looked at the mountains as I read my bible. I was struck by the beauty as the sun rose and shone on them. The view was incredible, with mountains surrounding me at all angles. Again, as I read and prayed, I felt that it was a one-sided conversation. I tried to pray away the feeling, I thought that maybe if I read more, then I would hear from Him. Maybe I would be convicted and feel some strong emotion, be encouraged, or notice something new – at least just feel something…
Then discouragement took over. Why am I not clearly hearing from Him? What is wrong with me? Is there some hidden sin that is preventing me from feeling His presence? I’ve committed a lot of sins, but I’ve been working on bringing them to light.
Later that day, after giving up and deciding to sleep off the sickness I was experiencing, I went back to the rooftop. Except this time, I saw nothing. All that was visible were the nearest rooftops of the surrounding buildings. There were no mountains. The pollution in the air had settled in the valley and created a thick fog, blocking the view of anything more than a couple of miles away. All that was left was noise, stench, and pollution.
As I looked, trying to make out the outline of the mountains, I saw nothing but a yellow haze. I knew that the mountains were there, I had just seen them earlier that morning. However, for the moment they were shielded from my eyes. I didn’t see them, I didn’t feel them, I didn’t hear them, I didn’t smell them. All I saw was desolation and poverty.
In that moment, I realized that is how I felt about the presence of the Lord. I know the He is near, that He is ever present, and that He has not deserted me. Even though I cannot feel Him as I want to, He is still there. Even though for a time I cannot see Him, He is still there. The mountains did not cease to exist because I could not see them. Maybe, in this period of life, I am experiencing a fog. When the fog parts, it will be all the sweeter.
My prayer is that I would see the mountains soon. Just as I breathe in the pollution and feel the effects of it, I pray that I would just as easily breathe in His presence and feel Him.
I am still struggling with feeling His presence. Prayer still very much seems like a one-sided conversation. I am still discouraged by all of this. Typing this out has helped me process my thoughts a little bit. Maybe things will change, or maybe they won’t. But I will continue to seek Him through it all.
