Something rather meaningful happened a couple of days ago:
I realized how broke I am.
And I flipped out
broke down
and cried.
Days before this meltdown my bank account had been at a comfortable place, I was sure of how much money I had left. I felt safe and secure with the amount of money I had to last me until I went home. I was under the impression that my credit card was more or less paid up to date and good to go. Then, two days ago I logged into my bank account, only to see that the amount of money in it had shrunk by over $500. Hence the flipping out, breaking down, and crying.
I have 55 days left until I reach Canadian soil, and that money is all I have to my name. That money has to cover transportation for the month of August, a much needed haircut, a cell phone, and multiple unforeseen expenses (damage deposit on a place to live, a computer that actually works, registration and school fees, and so on) that are bound to pop up during my first month home, PLUS it has to cover any personal money that I spend while in Romania and the Ukraine. So when you think about all of the things that the $324 + cents has to pay for, you realize it’s really not that much money.
I sat on my top bunk staring at the computer screen with tears filling my eyes wondering how I am going to survive when I get home. My mind was racing, adding up costs and figures, and the weight of my World Race support account seemed to bear down on me even more. Recently I found out that support I thought was coming in, was in fact not going to be coming in. While this is totally understandable and I’m so thankful for all that those supporters were able to give up until this point, the combined loss puts my support account around -$500. Add the shock and anxiety of watching your personal bank account shrink with the knowledge that you still have a financial commitment that will be left unfulfilled, and you’ve got a very worried and upset Sarah on your hands. I couldn’t figure out why my squad mates are having money overflowing out of their support accounts, why they were getting offers for free lodging and jobs when they get home, and I’m sitting here short on support and clueless how I’m going to pay for anything when I get home. I thought, I’m here just like they are, I’m doing ministry, digging deep, pouring myself out — all that good stuff — but how come my money situation is the opposite? Short of banging my head against the wall, I felt like I was doing all I could to seek after God and be obedient, and for the life of me I could not figure out what was missing. So why was this happening? The fact of the matter is:
God did it.
It’s all His fault.
And there is divine purpose in His doing it.
Eleven months ago when I was accepted to the Race I handed my whole life over to God. One of the hardest things I put in His hands was my finances: my trust that He would provide the $14,300 for the trip and that He would somehow multiply what was in my personal account to make it last. It was a process, a long, hard process of letting go of my money and letting go of my need of assurance that money would be there. But I did it, and it was a beautiful, freeing act of release.
Well, it seems that while I’ve been on this crazy journey of trusting Jesus with my life I’ve gotten comfortable in the assurance that money is there and will be there. I know how much money we as a team have to spend, I know that there will be money for food today, tomorrow, and then next day. And I usually know down to the dollar how much I have in my personal bank account. I knew all the numbers, and obviously if I know everything who needs to trust God, right? Wrong.
In the course of gaining confidence in the monetary things I had, I stopped relying on God for that confidence. In short, I stopped relying on God for everything, which is one of the things I came on this trip to learn how to do. I’ve had so much assurance in man that I managed to forget that without Him I am completely and utterly impoverished.
Have you experienced so much for nothing?
Surely it was not in vain, was it?
Galatians 3:4
God took some time yesterday in church to softly remind me of these things. He said to me, “You’ve forgotten that you need me, you’ve forgotten how to rely on me.� That’s a big deal. Those are painful words to hear and upsetting things to realize about yourself. I’ve been trying to stand on my own two feet, so He let me fall over a little to show me how dearly I need to be standing in Him.
Let your roots grow down into Him,
and let your lives be built on Him.
Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught,
and you will overflow with thankfulness.
Colossians 2:7
He is re-teaching me what dependence is, what trust is, what faith is.
He is illustrating to me that money is not the issue here — my heart is.
He is showing me, once again, that my life is bigger than just dollar signs, and more importantly,
He is reminding me that He is bigger than dollars and cents.
So I’ve got a bit of money in my account and a few Romanian Lei in my wallet. I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to pay for grad school when I get home, how I’ll come up with rent, what I’ll eat, or how my support account is going to fill up. But I do have a Heavenly Father who loves me, and I’ve got faith He will take care of every thing I need and more, because that’s who He is.
And it is impossible to please God without faith.
Anyone who wants to come to Him must believe that
God exists and that He rewards those who sincerely seek Him.
Hebrews 11:6
