The last five days in Kenya were spent in Nairobi for our squad debrief. I may or may have not blogged about our month 2 debrief, but just as a reminder, squad debrief is just a time for the squad to come together and relax, get poured into, and to have team check-ins with squad leaders and squad coaches (Jay and Denise Heesche). We have only had two of these debriefs so far but so far God has used them to teach me a lot about who He is, who I am in Him, and what He has done in my life over the last few months. During this debrief God had me take a step back and look at my life over the last five months and show me just how He has moved and how I have changed.
I came into the World Race hearing about how much I’m going to change and how I’m not going to go home the same but I came into it thinking there was nothing about me that needed to change and I was good just the way I was.
So the first three months of this World Race thing, God spent a lot of time showing me that I had a lot of bitterness and anger especially towards the church and towards Holy Spirit stuff. And it turns out that there are few things that I could use freedom from in regards to old struggles that I thought I was done with. He was also teaching me a lot about my identity in Him and how much He loves me.
So then teams changed, as you well know if you have been following along. That, on top of the fact that two days before they changed I got some pretty rough news from
home, I was broken, God broke me. And it’s funny because I remember thinking one day in Malaysia (month 2) that “sure I may cry over some stuff, but there was no way I was going to be completely broken, I’ve already been there and done that”… fool.
After being broken, I spent the whole month in Cambodia desperate for God, trying so hard to find my comfort in Him rather than those around me. Now let’s pause right here: if you know me, this statement is a huge testimony alone to how much God has grown me, instead of turning to bitterness and anger in my brokenness as I have so often done, I turned to God… praise the Lord. So Cambodia (month 4) was mostly spent trying to get put back together with my foundation in the Lord and while this was happening He was pointing out a lot of my insecurities and showing me all of the lies that these insecurities are rooted in.
So that brings us to Kenya. After finding this new intense desperation for God, that’s all I wanted this month, I wanted Him to show up and use me, and I didn’t just want it, I expected it, and He did. This month was spent searching out this newfound confidence in the Lord, knowing He is good, knowing what He is doing in my life is for my good, and knowing that if I seek Him, He’s going to show up. It was also a lot about learning to step out in faith, which also comes from that confidence in the Lord, and just do it, whatever “it” is, preaching, prophecy, door-to-door ministry, whatever. And let me tell you, I heard from God, I heard from God in ways that I used to make fun, call it prophecy, call it a word from the Lord, call it insanity, I don’t care, I heard from God.
Praise the Lord.
