Nov. 3rd (journal entry)
I can’t stop looking back. Back over the 9 months that she was sick. I have so much regret. I don’t know if I’ve ever known regret like this before. I look back and I want to say to myself “Stop! Look around. Enjoy what you have. Enjoy this time!” I’m so frustrated because how could I have not seen it? The blessing. I think I told myself over and over that the time I had been given to serve my mom was a blessing but I never saw it for what it really was. Truely a blessing. I mean I had 9mths……9 months of nothing to do….no obligations what so ever except maybe to work once or twice a wk. but absolutely no serious obligations………9mths FREE to just hang out with my mom. No one else in the whole world had been blessed with that except for me…………and I couldn’t even really see it. I knew it but not in my heart. My heart was on everything else. It was on what I “gave up”. It was on what I could be missing out on. It was on how loooong would I be “put on hold”. You see I felt everyone else was moving forward, all the racers, my friends, and well just “everyone” was moving forward….they were learning, growing, checking stuff off their list. And I was just sitting still. I would love to go back and say “SO WHAT!’ I have this thing with my head where I feel that I always need to be moving forward. Onto the next best thing. “Accomplished that….good…check. Ok how can I improve? What else can I do? How can I get closer to the Lord?? Oh they are doing this and this let me join up with them or maybe I should do this?? Is that the right descision? Is that what the Lord wants?? Lord is that what you want? Hmmmm silence?? Well then maybe thats not right, maybe He wants me to do this. Lord? Silence….Hmmm well maybe I’m just not hearing right….” And this goes on forever in fact it went on for 9 months and ofcourse like every other thing that I learn I only realize it now when looking back…He was saying “BE STILL!” And though I’ve heard this before the whole be still before the Lord thing. You know we’ve all heard this before. I didn’t get it. I thought “still” meant inactive. Still (motionless) and quiet. Just listening and dwelling with Him. But what He meant was just Be Still. Quit trying to move forward. Stop. Be here. I don’t want you to move forward. And if I had trusted Him I would have realized that I wouldn’t have wanted to move forward either. In fact I would give anything if I could go back to any one of those days in those months. Even if she was puking all day and I was cleaning it up. Even if she was just sleeping all day. I would give anything to go back and just Be Still there. See God knew. He could see me here now and I couldn’t. Now I am here and it feels like a lot is quickly moving around me but Im on my own pace. Somethings are pushing me forward whether I want them to or not and somethings are holding me back. I’m just trying to keep my eyes and ears open. I don’t want to miss them. The blessings. It’s hard to have Joy right now but I can trust in something. God has me exactly where He wants me and if I could only open my eyes to see that…..that is where the Joy would be….and I just might find some peace in there too.
So there it is I don’t really have too much to add. Just what came from it was this realization that if God is not asking me to move forward…if that is not His Will for me at that particular moment….then why do I want to move forward??? I want His Will right? Or do I want my own?? It’s hard to discern sometimes……
