Oh what joy for those
whose disobedience is forgiven,
whose sin is put out of sight!
Yes, what joy for those
whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,
whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
When I refused to confess my sin,
my body wasted away,
and I groaned all day long.
Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
Finally, I confessed all my sins to you
and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.”
and you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time,
that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.
For you are my hiding place;
you protect me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of victory.
The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you.
Do not be like a senseless horse or mule
that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control.”
Many sorrows come to the wicked,
but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord.
So rejoice in the Lord and be glad, all you who obey him!
Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!
Psalm 32
There it was, my testimony. Written out in the Bible! It’s pretty awesome to realize that even David (at least I think it was David, and if not David someone inspired by God)wrestled with the Lord in the way I did. For the longest time my struggle was not believing that there was a God, or that Jesus was my savior, but rather believing that He could be enough. I had this desire to be loved, a desire to be desired, and though I searched for someone or something to fill that I only came up more empty than I was before. I poured alcohol, drugs, sex, food, relationships, sports, exercise, anything and everything into my empty hole yet no matter how much I poured into the hole it was never filled it only grew deeper and deeper and deeper. Then came the guilt. I would feel guilty for my actions, guilty for the food I just ate, guilty for the thing I did the night before, guilty for the lie I just told, the mask I just put on, the person I just hurt, the manipulation I just used, and yet still I continued. “I was too deep now. There was no way out.” I made a few efforts to change this or that and some things would get better for a while, but I would just end up filling that hole, that void, with something else and I would end up just as deep as I was before. Looking back I see the Lord there reaching for me, calling to me, pointing out the right direction, and I would glance in His direction, but I just felt that it was too hard to reach for Him. He was too far away. So I went about it on my own; I would try and pull myself up out of the hole, scratching at the dirt, but I just kept on falling back in. Until one night on the floor of my Brooklyn apartment, I realized I was drowning. I couldn’t pretend anymore. I wasn’t happy. I was overwhelmed with the reality of my sadness and my guilt. The Lord popped into my mind and suddenly I cried out, “Lord what do I do?!?” I fell before Him sobbing. I told Him everything. Inside I knew that He already knew but my heart was just bleeding out all that I had done, all that I had felt, all that hurt, all that I feared. Afterwards, I felt this amazing peace. I didn’t know anything. I wasn’t sure of anything, except one thing, He was there and that He desired me. I felt Him saying to me that it was all going to be ok. That He would not leave me. That He has the best pathway for me and that I didn’t have to be scared to follow Him because He would be there to protect me. That He would be all that I needed Him to be. That He would be enough.
That night I made a decision. I was going to follow Him wherever He wanted me to go. Wherever it was that He wanted to take me I would follow, because for the first time I realized that I couldn’t do it on my own. That I couldn’t figure it out, and I didn’t need to. He has what is best for me and He is showing me where to find it. Why wouldn’t I want to follow Him??
