Ever since I got home from Training Camp I have been avoiding writing this post.
When I first started this blog, I thought it was going to be an amazing experience to put things down on paper for others to read. I was so wrong. This is hard.
I never would have expected blogging to be this hard for me because I am a fairly talkative and sometimes loud person. I love to talk to people! I love to hear about their lives and I love to share my life with them. I enjoy telling stories (even though most of my friends know I am a terrible storyteller) and sharing my experiences.
But I have learned that even though I love to share stories, I really don’t like sharing the emotions attached to my stories.
You see it is safe to share the facts. I can tell you all about my experiences… where I was, how old I was, who all it involves, and how it changed me, but sharing how I felt in those moments is so much more vulnerable.
I would prefer to keep all of my emotions locked in a box that only I am able to access. That just sounds so much safer and so much less vulnerable.
Why can’t I just do that?
In these six weeks between Training Camp and Launch (which is in 3 days), I have been asking God this question almost daily.
Lets be honest…God and I have been working through this for a lot longer than the last six weeks. But as I enter in this completely new season of life I have learned that I can no longer live this way, and a very large part of me doesn’t want to live like this either.
The word that God has given me for this next season of my life on the World Race is “surrender.”
I am still figuring out exactly what this means for me. But every time I ask God if I can just ignore my emotions, avoid them, or lock them away in a box, I am told to surrender them.
Ahh… that sounds terrible.
But I desire to live the life that God has called me to and if that involves surrendering…. well no better time like the present!
So in an attempt to surrender some of my feelings and emotions that I have been keeping way to close during this huge time of transition and change I have created a list of 11 things (feelings/emotions) that I have felt as I prepare to leave on the World Race
- Leaving the U.S. to be a missionary is exciting.
- Fundraising is not my favorite thing in the world because I really have no control over it, but God has revealed more to me about God’s self than I ever thought possible. God has called me out into the world and God has provided through cherished friends and unlikely donors. It has been a beautiful mess.
- Everyone asks you if you are scared of what you will experience in other countries but never ask if you are scared of what you are leaving behind in the U.S. I am leaving behind more than I ever realized.
- Grieving is very much a reality for me. I am not necessarily scared to leave behind my friends and family, but I have definitely had to grieve the things that I will be missing. I will be missing birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, Friday night dinners with friends, most likely baby announcements and births. It is hard knowing everything that you are going to miss.
- Goodbyes are hard and emotional! Who actually wants to say goodbye to someone? I think it is even harder when you really have no idea the next time you are going to see them. I have questioned how friendships are going to change, or if they will even still exist once I get back.
- Leaving the U.S. to be a missionary is scary. It is not the screaming, rendered immobile type of scared. It is more of an edge of your chair kind of scared. I have no idea what this next year holds but I am siting on the edge of my seat ready to experience whatever it is.
- Packing is overwhelming and there were definitely times I wanted to cry. Thanks to a wonderful friend and alumni racer who literally went to the store with me and helped me pack my bags, I had very few moments of actually shedding tears but still sometimes felt like. I couldn’t pack about a 1/3 of what I wanted to pack and I constantly had to pick and choose between items hoping that I wouldn’t regret the choice month two.
- Did I tell you that goodbyes are hard? I think it is important enough to cover twice!
- Selling or packing up the stuff that is not going with me is exhausting and frustrating. I have sold most everything except some craft stuff and two bags of clothes. Yard sales are hard work and deciding what to keep and what to get rid of is harder than I thought it would be. I would decide to keep one thing and then the next 8 things until I realized I didn’t actually need any of it and would always have to go back and reevaluate my keep pile.
- I desperately want to begin this journey. I am ready to step on the first plane so that I can take that first step in a new country. I want to meet new people and hear their stories. I am so over the preparation and I am ready to experience the journey that God has called me to. I am ready to grow, learn, and love on the World Race in Asia!!
- Leaving the U.S. to be a missionary has tested my faith, but in the best way possible. I feel like I am being sharpened! I am being prepared for what I am going to encounter over the next year but I am also being pushed toward Christ in the most beautiful way!
This is far from an exhaustive list of all of my feelings but I hope it gives you a little glimpse into my preparation for the Race.
This feels ridiculously vulnerable and I am still currently resisting the urge to delete the post….
