We arrived at the front gate and stopped at the first go-go bar so Celeste could say hi to a ladyboy that's almost ready to quit. He was getting ready for the night, it was only 6:30 or 7.
His back to us, talking on the phone
the mama-san
the boss.
Weighing in at no less than 300 pounds, smoking a cigarette, Celeste catches his eye and he wais to her, flustered, suddenly in a hurry. He cuts his phone call short and comes over to us. He look at me, waving his cigarette around my face, motioning to me. I've become accustomed to people all over the world (including home) commenting on my size. I listened intently to his chattering Thai tongue, assuming his words are sassing as much as his lipstick
"look how small and cute this one is… she'll get eaten up in here, why'd you bring her here…"
But as I watched Celeste's eyes glisten as she leaned closer to him, my heart softened.
What's he saying?
He had to get back to readying his make-up and hairdo for the night. We wai him again and leave the bar. Celeste turned to me to recap us on what he'd said…
"He told me that you're so small and you look so young and I need to make sure I keep you safe and don't let anything bad happen to you…
That you have a big heart and it's a blessing that you're here to help us. You're doing God's work and be careful."
Whoa.
Now when I look back on that situation, those are the words I hear. Those words are louder than any petty insecurity that can creep up on me.
Then we climbed to the second floor where we met another tired worker. In the business for 26 years, she never learned to read or write but dreams of opening a small business. She yearns for a new life, hopeful to make that happen in two more years, before her 50th birthday. Her sad eyes welled up when she spoke of her village home that has experienced yet another devastating flood.
7:30 on the dot business began, 2 boys, 2 of the prettiest girls I've ever seen, got up on stage to dance. They stared at themselves in the mirror behind the bar, making sure their hair is just right,
no tangles
make up is flawless
lingerie has no creases
They look as woman as they can. They turn towards the empty bar. With no customer, no chance of income, they turn back to their reflections as if they expect or hope
someone else will stare back this time.
Over the tired worker's shoulder, I watch 2 men sit down at a table. They look so familiar, I could have been in their chemistry class in high school. They seemed to struggle keeping their composure.
What have I gotten myself into…
I anticipated how I'd feel and react to these kids in the red light district.
I'd be overcome with holy rage, be unbearably offended, grab them by their shirt collars and
hulk throw them through a glass window.
But this didn't happen. I wasn't angry.
My heart broke but I wasn't sad or moved to tears.
I didn't pity them, I related with them.
I've been in over my head.
I've been so sure that I wanted something that wasn't good for me. I've justified barbaric and evil behavior and told myself
It's okay, I'm young. I won't possibly have to pay for this later. This isn't hurting me, my soul is still in tact.
I've been wrong. I've been hurt. I understand.
(Photo: The "wai" is a respectful greeting in Thai culture)
