Like any other future Racer, I have been obsessively reading blogs, other peoples' packing lists, looking at pictures… trying to imagine how I'm going to handle the coming year of 2013. If there's one thing I've learned from reading all these blogs, it is this: STOP.
Stop trying to prepare. Stop building expectations. Stop trying to be in control.
But expectations are still there. Obvious ones, of course.
- I'm probably going to freak out when I find that softball-sized spider in my tent. (We've already discussed among the squadmates, who will be responsible for removing or destroying each critter. My responsibility: Snakes. They're cute.)
- I will go the majority of the year without using a clean toilet. (Not stoked on squatty potties but avoiding the bathroom isn't really a long term option.)
- Cold showers. (Let's just say I'm a HUGE baby when it comes to cold water.)
- I'll have to fit everything I need into a 65 liter backpack. EASY. (I have a backpacking guide for a brother.)
- I won't have a real bed. Good news is I'm a master napper. Planes? Easy. Buses? Cake. Bath tubs? Totally. Standing up? Still practicing.
- I won't have my chiropractor. (I don't even want to pretend to know what my back and hips are going to do to me on this trip.)
- I won't get many showers, at least not daily. Again, EASY. (Ask me about high school.)
- Exhaustion will ensue and I may not be able to rest or nap. (Love napping)
- Internet connection will suck a lot but I can handle it. (I tend to rip my hair out when the webpage doesn't load within 10 seconds.)
- I won't have much privacy. I prefer being alone more often than not. (It's a long conversation but Community is not something that has ever really been a part of my life.)
- Ethnic food. (I inherited a terrible stomach from my father. Even comfort foods will occasionally betray me. There's no telling when I'll get sick.)
You can imagine there's many more… But there are also some things that I'm expecting that I cannot prepare for or am having terrible difficulty ignoring.
- A changed heart. (God has already put in some serious hours working on this.)
- Loving people. I yearn to love, though my heart has been hardened for so long.
- Being away from my family. (I've been trying to get all the nephew baby sitting I can get.)
- Leaving my old, schedule-driven life behind. (I'm still bringing my planner.)
- Trusting my team. (Trust issues tend to come with a hardened heart as a package.)
- My interpretation of Blogging = Broadcasting my thoughts and feelings all over the internet. (It has now taken about 3 months for me to post this one blog.)
- Changing life goals. What if I love the rest of the world so much that I never want to live in the U.S. again?
- PMS. (…questions? Didn't think so.)
- Disappointing my team. (Not necessarily an expectation, but an anxiety I do have.)
- And finally…
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
—Marianne Williamson
