So tonight was pretty freakin awful. (this was all a planned activity, I was never in any real danger don’t freak out anyone) We had this field simulation of a Christian world in a closed country. We were given roles with instructions and all we knew was that we had to “protect our pastors” and “find our families” and stay hidden or be arrested. There was a whole jail/”torture” area (don’t freak out they just hosed us and put ketchup on us, but it seemed pretty freakin scary. At some point during trying to find my family, I got arrested. They were trying to get me to talk, and I wouldn’t say anything so they sent me to the sand pit. They were screaming and yelling, saying Christians if there’s a God tell him to help you. A lady got in my face and asked me if I was a Christian, and I said no. I said no. She let me go, I got to “live” but I have never felt such shame in my life. In a fictitious activity, I didn’t have the guts to stand up for my God, the one I love more than anything in the whole world. I denied him, the lover of my soul. The more I got to thinking about it, that’s just how I am. Every time things get tough, im unfaithful. I follow him, but only to the point where its comfortable. I started asking myself some really hard questions like how much do I really love him? Am I really willing to give my life for him? I love him more than words can say… I can’t believe I didn’t have the courage to stand up…
The other part of this that makes my heart ache is that people REALLY have to go through this. Honestly I have no idea what to do or think about this. They said that because of their persecution, they have a more devoted pure faith. It breaks my heart that people have to live in such fear for their lives in order to be able to whisper worship to the God they love more than life, and we act like it’s a chore to drive to church on Sunday morning.
My heart is just aching right now. Im asking God to forgive me for my unfaithful, wandering heart; and hoping that He uses this to not only draw me closer to him, but to move your hearts as well.
God loves you. He’s the greatest father in the whole world.
