During
the Awakening a lot of things happened. I had the chance to talk with all the squad
mates I hadn’t seen in a month, to worship, to listen and learn, and to think.
As I talked to several girls on my squad a theme began to develop- that I was different.
Apparently between training camp and now some sort of change had happened to
me. Since I had some time, I thought
about it. The truth is I really had no idea how much growing up I had to do
until I started.
As most
of you know Jonathan David Helser led worship during the Awakening (the song
that inspired me is linked below- listen while you read). Anywho, a lot of his
songs like “I’ve seen I Am” talk about knowing who God is, and thus knowing who
you are. As I sang those words over and over I began to realize that even
though I’ve known about God, I’ve never truly known Him or believed who I am in
Him.
As most
of you know I lived somewhat of a wild past. Even though I was forgiven, I don’t
think I ever really accepted that those sins were forgotten. I always thought
that all that stuff was just “who I was.” Because of the shame that I felt, that
I was never meant to carry, along with the scars that I refused to let go of, I
became bitter and self-conscious. It’s amazing what shame can do to you. And
you know what? That’s exactly what the devil wants. He wants you to lie in the
bed you’ve made, feeling dirty and inadequate. He wants you to keep thinking
you can never be as good as everyone else, that if they only knew who you
really are, they wouldn’t love you. Well you know what? Satan’s a liar.
I began
to realize that all the anxiety, the fear of being rejected, and the craving
acceptance of others were tied to this shame. I never really accepted who I was
in Him. Although I was saved, I was just a baby. Kicking and screaming and
crying; constantly having to be reassured by others, always taking and never
giving, with my eyes set on filling my needs. I was Mara- a bitter woman. I was
an Israelite wandering in the desert. I was a child that hadn’t received my inheritance.
I’m haunted by my past. I think- well if I do this good thing, if I do
everything I should, if I go to church, if I love people, if I can just do
enough good, I can make up for what I’ve done- and then I’ll be worthy of God’s
love. And all I’ve gotten from this was
tired. The truth is I can’t do it. I can’t do enough good to make up for all
the bad. But the Truth that I’ve brushed aside for so many years is that GOD
DOESN’T NEED ME TO DO ANYTHING! The truth is I’ve minimized His death for so
many years. I’ve minimized His grace. I’ve minimized His infinite ability to
love. Well guess what? I’m done with that. I’m putting away my ruler, I’m done
measuring myself with my standards.
The
truth is I am Sarah Lynette Hogan, daughter of God, deeply loved by Him. I am His precious little girl. I live in a promise. I bring His light into the world. It
makes me cry just thinking about who I really am. I am daughter of the I am. God has been holding me as I cried out,
gently reminding me of who I am, and who He had planned for me to become. I
have gone from “then thinking” to “now thinking.” From future to present. I’m
done waiting. I’m stepping into my inheritance. He’s been waiting for me.
Realizing
who you are in Him gives a deep joy that is unexplainable. I no longer have to
look around and wonder what people think of me. I don’t have to convince them
to like me, or waste my energy on works. As Andrew Chapman said “we aren’t
human doings, we’re human beings.” There is something comforting in knowing
that all I have to do is believe. And I do. I believe that Jesus dies to wipe
away all those sins, he took those skeletons and tossed them in the deep, never
to be thought of again. I believe that I am wonderfully loved and blessed, and
that I have favor. I can stand up tall, I can love unconditionally, I can hold
on to the promise I have in Him.
So I understand
that I still have some growing up to do, but I’m on my way. And the devil isn’t
using the forgotten things of my past against me anymore. God loves me and that’s
all that matters. And you know what? He loves you too. He made you. He knows
you inside and out. He has plans for you. All He wants is to be with you. Let
Him.
