Who knew all my stuff would weigh so much? I’m exhausted. I packed until after 1, then I couldn’t fall asleep, my brain wouldn’t shut off. It seems like there’s a fine line between trusting God and being lazy. After struggling to get my pack from the floor on to my back, I realized this is going to be a long trip. I’m so excited for training camp even though I have no idea what to expect. Right now I’m stuck in the airport, there are layovers due to weather. I feel like I’m facing the storm right now, being tested to see if I’m really all in.
Wednesday morning I had around 1500 in my support account, with no sign of any more coming in. (It said 0 for longer than I was comfortable with) When I got a call saying if I didn’t have 4000 dollars (I got accepted late and have a different fund goal if you’re wondering why this number is lower than what you were told) headed into my account by the end of the day or I would have to “pray about a later trip” I had a come to Jesus moment. I don’t think I have ever prayed so whole heartedly. I knew that I couldn’t do it, and unless God wanted me to go I wouldn’t be able to get the money. I prayed that God would go before me, and direct me where ever he wanted. By the end of the day I had exactly 4000 on its way!
I guess until now I haven’t let myself be excited. I was so worried that maybe because the money wasn’t coming, maybe I heard wrong, maybe He didn’t want e to go. Doubts can creep up on you in moments like those… I believe whole heartedly that God answers prayers, its just that sometimes I’m scared He will say no, or maybe that He just doesn’t always answer me? Self doubt creeps in when I ask for big stuff. I’m scared to death to pray for healing, because I’m worried it won’t happen. Why does it not happen sometimes and sometimes it does? Am I the only person that thinks like this?
And then I feel bad for my unbelief when God has been helping me so much, and it’s so clear that He’s with me. He has blessed me in ways I couldn’t have imagined, and met all my needs. I’ve had a laptop, a pack, a tent, and tons of other camping stuff I needed, all donated to me. And I know this is only the beginning of his good works. How can I doubt such a good father???
But I guess when it comes down to it, I know that God wants me to do this. He has opened doors, and touched my heart (I tear up every time I watch a WR video), and I have seen His hand in this. The Lord told Joshua “be strong and courageous” and that’s what I’m going to do. Take the storm head on.
