There was not just a time and place where I suddenly knew that I was called to the mission field. I always considered the idea of moving to Africa to teach and be a missionary after I graduated grad school, but there was never any serious consideration. The very beginning of any real spark of mission anything happened at DNOW at my college group last year in January. I came to realization that I had kind of wasted my life. From the world outside, my life looked pretty successful, but that is not the kind of life God intended for us to live. John 10:10 says that Jesus came so that we may have life and have it to the full. It is important to note that his definition of an abundant life probably does not align with our immediate definition.
Back to DNOW. One of the sessions was a prayer breakout where the students can spend 15 or so minutes of prayer in 4 different rooms. Each of those 4 rooms has a theme, in which one of those was missions. I ended up not even making it to that room because I was so convicted by something I had read in the previous room. I read “Do You Walk in White?” in My Utmost His Highest. It says that death means to stop being. Galations 2:20 says that “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I that live, but Christ that lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me”. Again, I will say that death means to stop being. Think about that for a second. I have been crucified, that means death for me. That means I have to stop being. BUT, I have been crucified with Christ, so when I stop being, Christ lives through me. It seems like such a basic concept of Christianity, but that day it broke my heart. I understood that even though I did have a relationship with Jesus, I had not stopped being. I still acted upon what would benefit me, instead of what was going to bring glory to the Most High.
Later that weekend, I realized I did not want to live my life for myself anymore. Long story short, I ended up applying to Send TN (the day it was due) to be a missionary for the summer of 2014. Although I must admit that I may have selfishly applied because of the possible countries on the list, God still used that to get me where I needed to be. I ended up being placed in Orlando, Fl-nowhere close where I wanted to go. I wanted to go somewhere out of the country and do something exciting. Florida was most definitely not exciting in my book. I fought God on this, but I knew it was where He wanted me.
Skip to my summer in Orlando. Looking back it was probably one of the most challenging and rewarding summers I have experienced. Everyone told me God had such big plans for me there if He had paved such a clear path. I wasted my time looking for that reason. Throughout the summer, I had a lot of sin pointed out in my life and I became aware of a lot of my struggles. I knew my struggles before, but I suppose I chose to live in ignorance. There was a lot of change that occurred, but nothing regarding my future. One night in chapel, our pastor asked during prayer for those who knew they were going to do international missions to raise their hands. I did and didn’t really think much about it. International students were placed on my heart this summer and I had a great friend who, in a way, taught me how to minister to them. Then I found out I was going to go to Thailand for spring break as a graduation gift from my grandparents. When I came back to Knoxville, a Thai missionary had just moved in 2 houses down from me at the mission house. Her mission was to minister to the international students at my school. What a God thing.
Next came the life changing part. I have been set on going to graduate school for music education at Florida State University since high school. I had already visited the school and had a lesson with the professor, so all I needed to do was apply. Every time I opened the FSU page to apply, the Holy Spirit tugged at my heart and I couldn’t apply. I avoided praying about it because I was scared. I was scared God was going to tell me that FSU was not His plan for my life. One of my roommates kept asking about it and prayed for me. A few days later I was at work and the Holy Spirit tugged on my heart again. I finally prayed about it. I didn’t know what I was going to do or where I was going to go, but I knew that I was going to be a missionary. I was going to make sharing the love of Jesus the sole reason for my life. I felt so at peace. And so excited to live without control.
Through this journey, I look back and thank God that even in my blatant ignorance and rebellion of His will for my life, He still loves me and can still use me. His will will still be accomplished and He will be glorified. Regardless of whether I become a full time missionary after this race or I go to graduate school, glorifying His name and sharing the Gospel will always be my mission (Matthew 28:19). I think Oswald Chambers sums it up pretty well in “Do You Walk in White?” by saying that “Nothing can defeat a life like this. It has oneness with God for only one purpose -to be a witness for Him”.
