I'm saying goodbye.
Adios.
Sayonara.
Ciao.
So long.
I'm going to be honest, there has been a lot going on in my head and heart the past few weeks since arriving in Thailand. God has been working on me, and it's good, but difficult at times. And I feel, at times, my flesh and sin nature fighting back. Fighting for what I want, and not what I know God wants. And so I'm saying goodbye.
2012. A new year. New beginnings. Really, any day is new, but there is something “official” in the dawn of a new year. It's crazy to think back to the new year last year. I remember that this time last year, I was at a fork in the road. Choose to walk this way, and your life will go one direction. Choose the other way, and your life will end up in a completely different direction. One way was full of life, and the other full of sin and living for myself.
Thankfully, I chose the former. I chose to follow the cry of my Lover. To embark on this incredible journey that has my heart twisting and turning, ebbing and flowing, intertwining with the Father's heart for the nations. My Father's heart for the people that surround me. My Father's heart for me.
It is a beautiful journey, but it is not easy.
During the past few days, I feel like my mind and soul are at war. I came to the realization that I miss the “African” way of life. The simple way of life. I miss having internet only once a week. I miss having to eat dinner by lantern because the electricity wasn't working. I miss not being surrounded by luxury. And I don't miss it because it was Africa, but I miss it because of what came out of that. True community tended to breed out of the limited resources we had. We played games, we talked, we watched a movie together whenever we had the power for it on our laptops.
Since coming to Asia, we are surrounded once again by the “western” culture. It's not truly western, but it feels western after Africa. We have internet available, there are malls to visit, beaches to go to, other “attractions” that surround us. But for me, it has been a struggle. I feel distracted. I feel like I'm passing through, slipping back to the comfort of my old way of life, and it disturbs me.
So I am saying goodbye to the old way of life, and am striving for the balance. Finding true community and truly bringing the Kingdom wherever I am, while taking time to enjoy the places God has me as well. For me right now it means being more intentional about the time I spend on the internet. It means spending good quality time with the Lover of my soul. It means having conversations with my team mates that go below the surface and bring glory to the Father. It means diving into art and worshiping God in and through art every day.
You could call it a New Year's resolution, I guess. But I'm really not a fan of that. I don't want this to just be for a year. I don't want this to just be for the next six months that I'm on the race. I want this to be for life.
Goodbye old life.
Hello, Abba. You are my new life, now and forever. You make me new. Be my life, my guide, my strength. My balance, my stride, my everything.
(Here are some pictures of our New Years Eve in Thailand. We spent the day on the beach, watched the sun set, and then when it was dark, each team lit a floating lantern and set it drifting off into the dark sky above the crashing waves. Giving the fire back to God, offering Him our prayers and our hearts. This blog is like sending off that floating lantern. The dawn of a new day.)
