let’s have an honest hour [this is the part where i tell you what is actually going on in my life/heart]. i was absolutely dreading training camp. i was at my lowest point in my life and i did not want to show my weaknesses to thirty “strangers.” but that was exactly what God knew i needed to grow closer to Him.
for those of you who don’t know, i have been extremely sick since may. so sick i had a surprise birthday present to the er [june 5th – mark it in your calendars]. and three days later i was on a plane heading to gainesville, ga for ten days of physically, spiritually, and emotionally draining activities. excited was not in my vocabulary.
not being able to exercise for the past two months was not easy, especially since i like to stress run. and it was definitely something special having to carry my forty-three pound backpack for three miles in under fifty minutes. i don’t like to quit but after mile one, every inch of my body ached and dehydration was a real thing. i began to give up on myself, my squad, and God. i questioned whether the world race was for me. i was physically exhausted, spiritually overwhelmed, and emotionally done. satan fed me lies and i believed every single one of them. i had a solid twenty minute pity party for one because i wasn’t able to take care of myself like i normally do and it was extremely hard always lagging behind during the physical activities and asking for help. a few minutes later on my last leg of the hike, several of my sweet, sweet squadmates had come back to help me finish. it was then when i was reminded that these people are my family and they aren’t going to leave me behind, nor was God.
so fast forward a few days and it came the time where i had to figure out how God was working in my life. no more hiding behind my sickness, it was time to unmask. and there i was, sitting down ready to actually listen to God. kinda nervous but also ready because He had broken me down to my core and i had the mentality that nothing really could get worse than the past month and a half.
but i spoke too soon, because it did get worse. He told me to feel. terrible, right? i thought so. it actually made me nauseous thinking about feeling. in my head, people who show feelings are weak [which is not true, it’s just how i’ve thought for the last… twenty-three years]. i have always used my brain to think and the idea of using my heart to feel was absurd. but i knew that is what God wanted so i prayed to feel. and within a few minutes, i felt my heart soften. i learned that God wants me to have the same heart for His children as He does. He wants me to be more relatable and compassionate. side note: i still haven’t gotten the need to cry but i’m sure that’s in the works as well. i’m learning to look at people as children of God, which makes it incredibly easy to love them.
and the exciting part is, God is not done with me. He has a lot of layers to work on which will take awhile, but it will be so worth it in the end. so my challenge to you is, are you willing to listen to God and allow Him to work in and through you?
training camp can not be put into words. walls were taken down. masks were uncovered. God moved in each of my squadmate’s lives. i am extremely excited for whatever is to come beginning august 4th.
He is on the move and there is no stopping Him.
