So, here I am, month 11 of the World Race! Eleven months ago, I never thought I’d get here… truly… I had many moments of doubt about myself and whether I could really endure all that it took…
As I reflect on this year, I think about how I’ve changed since January. When I left Seattle, that cold, snowy morning, I was uncertain about so many things… So many things brought anxiety, fear, uncertainty… Before having committed to embark on this journey, I remember calling a friend from church who herself had done it a few years prior. As I chatted, I asked all the questions which were most pressing to me – Did you ever feel unsafe? Was it difficult living in community? How were the bathrooms? Were you able to get all the supplies you needed wherever you were? How many clothes should I bring?
I remember watching a vlog before leaving. In it, the young man explained how they were walking through the markets, made a new friend, and were suddenly whisked away on a form of local transportation… As “fun” as that sounded to me at the time, I was nearly terrified of the thought of doing that myself. I’ve never been very good at spontaneous activities, especially if it meant I wouldn’t know where or if there was a restroom… Luckily, there were other reasons that I wanted to go on this adventure. And, regardless of how difficult it has been and how difficult it still continues to be, I’m grateful to Jesus for carrying me this far and for wooing me on this journey… And so, even now I can see changes in me…
LETTING GO… One of the most pivotal things that I learned while on the Race was the importance of letting things go. Being a collector, over the years I’ve collected many things… key chains, shells, rocks, sand, currency, stickers, stamps… Really, the list could go on. It wasn’t until Month 5 that I began to ponder why I was collecting so many things. Even while on the Race, I collected rocks, sand, and shells from each place we stayed. On top of that, I took like a bazillion pictures! And so, the question came to me, why?The answer came as I was hiking through the forest next to a brick factory in Latvia. I wrote about this in my blog, “A Keeper…” In short, I realized that by collecting things it was a tangible way to hold on to happy memories. Deep inside, I had this idea that my best days were behind me rather than ahead of me. So, it was actually necessary to keep things to hold on to that happiness. But I realized that by keeping things it was only weighing me down, keeping me in the past. I wasn’t living in the present or preparing for the future. And so, since that realization, I’ve seen the benefit and value of letting things go… In nearly every country, I’ve dropped things that I didn’t need. I’ve also fought hard to let go of the intangibles I’ve held on to – anger, hurt, jealousy, hatred, selfishness, bitterness… Everything that makes a person ugly. I want to be carefree and beautiful…! Letting go enables a person to live in true, unfettered freedom! It’s SO worth it!
CONFRONTATIONAL… Growing up, arguments and conflict were ALWAYS discouraged and seen as a way of disrespecting authority, rather than working through an issue or clarifying a misunderstanding. So, growing up, I always backed away from disagreements, seeking to please authority. And, being shy and fearful of others, I wasn’t confrontational with friends or peers either. Unfortunately, this unhealthy trend carried over to adulthood. When there was an issue with a coworker, boss, friend, or family member, I’d back away either by avoiding the issue, dropping the friendship, or apologizing for anything I may have done wrong even if it was the other person’s fault. Well, there is ample opportunity on the Race for disagreements and misunderstandings; the perfect atmosphere for confrontation and working things through. Earlier this month, I had such a confrontation… There was a disagreement with a teammate. My old self would have backed away, backed down, and avoided my teammate for some time. But I am changed… Instead, I sought out my teammate, we talked things through, agreed to disagree, and now, we still work well together. Wow. I can only attribute this behavior to God’s work in me. This gives me such joy, hope, and peace!
SURRENDER… On the Race, there isn’t much that you really have any choice over. You don’t choose where you sleep, what you eat, when you get up, what you do, etc. Forget about taking a walk alone or going for a drive to think things through. Even when you do get a month of cooking for yourself, you have a World Race budget (which is a definite adjustment), the options at the store or market are limited, and you still have to share space in likely a teenie-tiny kitchen with 6 (or 21) other people. In all this, you can fight against it, or learn to surrender… Surrender wanting things your way, or wanting what you want when you want it… You never know how much control you really have over your life until you leave the comfort of home. I can no longer bask in the luxury of worrying about whether our taxi driver has ever been in an accident, whether the nice lady who cooked our dinner washed her hands before cooking it, whether the mosquito that just bit me is carrying malaria… All these things were worries before leaving home. But now, they are not even WORTH worrying about because they are my reality. Worrying takes energy away from serving others, away from people, and away from our purpose. And so, I seek daily surrender.
HOPEFUL… When I left home, there was a sense of sadness and hopelessness that pervaded several areas of my life. In month 7, I realized that I wasn’t really looking forward to coming home after the Race. My family had become fragmented; close friends were busy beginning their own little families, having less time to hang out; I was still single and trying to “find myself” or at least, figure out why and for what God had created me. The Race gave an opportunity to explore these things and be away from a source of sadness. Although, even on the Race, I experienced struggles… Thankfully, God showed up… For ME! In my moments of weakness, struggle and sadness, He was there. And, even more than that, I have seen Him work IN me, changing me… Though I continue to struggle to varying degrees with fear, anxiety, and distrust, they don’t hold as great of a weight on me as they did back in January. Living in community has provided opportunity to learn from different personalities… Through my teammates, I’ve been reminded me of the God we believe in, the very great promises He has made us, and how we need to speak life to ourselves, truly BELIEVING that which we have claimed to believe. Wow. And so, areas of my life I used to think were lost, I can now see are redeemable… Things I had given up on, I believe anew that they are possible for me… So, now I am preparing for these things… I follow a God who does the impossible; who enabled Peter to walk on the water, Paul to raise the dead, Jesus to endure the cross because of the joy set before Him… It’s amazing to realize! Things I NEVER believed possible, areas of my life that I felt were at a dead end, things in my life that I had let die, all this has been brought back to life! The Giver of Life has re-entered mine in a new way bringing hope, restoration… LIFE!
And so, as I wrap up Month 11 in Swaziland, I recognize that I am changed… Even though I still don’t have everything figured out, and God will likely have to remind me of the things I learned this year throughout the coming years, I will come home renewed and changed. And so, as I prepare to head home, I know that God goes with me and has more for me ahead; new things for me to do, new things to learn, new ways of showing me His deep love for me. And, even as He loves me, know that He dearly loves YOU and longs to speak to you! I pray that this testimony gives you just as much encouragement as it has given me to experience. God will work in you if you are listening and ready!
