The past year of my life as been nothing close to easy. In fact, I’d say it was the hardest year I’ve had in my young total of 19. I battled things I thought I would never have to deal with. God brought forward things in my life that I had no idea I suffered from. This past year, was a year of new, a year of tears, a year of difficulty, but it was also a year of clarity, and peace, and rest. In a logical, Western culture those two lives should never collide. But somehow for me, they did.
So while I’m leaving behind this me that once was, I’m also leaving behind some other young girls that mean the world to me . . . and this, this is for you.
In the midst of the confusion and chaos of my life, God handed me the most amazing small group of 9th and 10th grade girls. I felt so undeserving and ill equipped, and somehow God wouldn’t move me. To say I never wanted to walk away would be a lie, but it was never because I didn’t love those girls, it was because I thought surely God couldn’t use me. But oh, did He prove me wrong.
These girls began to pour their hearts out to me, and I felt as though I had nothing to give them in return. You know though, I think that’s exactly where God wants us. He was able to use me more in this past year than ever before . . . simply because I had absolutely nothing to bring. Most days I barely had the strength to show up, but for some reason God chose to use me as His vessel of love to those girls. If you ask me, that sounds insane, but that’s who our God is.
So girls, thank you. You had no idea, but God was using you to bring me through the most difficult point in my life. It was a life full of depression and anxiety, of feeling less than enough and like I could never measure up. Satan was slowly winning in the battle of my mind, and the destruction I felt as a result was crippling. But boy am I thankful for what God has done since then. He has brought me from the lowest of lows, to loving who He has created me to be and loving the life He has created for me, in a matter of months. Girls, our God is awesome.
It’s time for real talk.
I love you. I seriously love you. And, you know who loves you more? Your Papa. He is madly in love with you. I hope if nothing else after this past year, that you know that. And although I physically have to say goodbye for a time, He isn’t going anywhere. He is as much here today as He was yesterday, and that will never change for all eternity. The God who literally holds everything together, down to the very breath you just took, will never leave you. In the midst of your sin, He’s there. In the middle of giving into that nagging temptation, He’s there. During the best day you’ve ever had, He’s there. Through everything you encounter, good and bad, He’s there . . . He loves you that much. He loves you enough to walk with you every day, to give you His undivided attention 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Don’t waste that time. I wasted too many days too focused on me, to even notice Him. I thought I saw Him, but in reality all I saw was myself. When you see the face of your Savior everything changes, and I want that for each and every one of you. When you step off your pedestal and honestly stand before the throne of God, it’s not even hard to say goodbye to everything you’ve been holding onto. You begin to see yourself as the beautiful creature you are. You finally accept, that you are accepted. You finally believe that you are loved. You no longer feel the nagging desire to be wanted, because you know that you already are. The chains of self hate, and self abuse, and the unquenching thirst to be intimately loved by another, fall to the ground. Fall in love with your Savior. You think at 15 and 16 you know what love is, but offer an open heart to our Papa and let Him show you true love like you have never felt before.
I am so thankful that I don’t have to drag that girl that I was, with me around the world. While this is just the surface of what God is going to do in my life over these next nine months, it’s a relief to know I don’t have to fit those chains in my pack. So as I physically have to leave you all, and continue taking steps away from my pedestal, would you choose to also leave behind those parts of you that are not madly in love with your Papa? Leave behind that girl, and dare to be the women of God I know that you are.
I love each of you dearly,
Sarah
