I used to really like praying… it made me feel good… kind of like reading the bible. It was one of the things on my checklist to having a great relationship with God. A few months back I decided I should shred that checklist. Which is great in theory… but it’s been hard to not revert to a formula relationship with God and it’s confusing because I feel like I am at the same time closer to God and more confused than ever!
Historically there are a lot of times in my life when I tell someone I will pray for them and I mean to but I don’t ever get around to it. Unfortunately this includes many people reading this. Sorry, but I probably didn’t remember to pray for you. There are lots of times when I don’t like to start praying for stuff because once I start it snowballs and then it’s like…”what do I pray for? How long do I actually want to pray? Ugh, why bother.” I have treated prayer like my wish list. God knows an awful lot about what I want but I have never really cared to ask what he wants from me.
Recently I have moved past liking prayer. Now I love it… and dread it… often simultaneously. There are a lot of “Christiany” things I actually sort of get now. I know what the presence of the Holy Spirit feels like (and yes, it’s still a little freaky to me), I don’t know what I am going to pray before I pray it (youth group kids…I say “um” more than ever while I am stuck in an awkward prayer sentence), I get these crazy nagging ideas that I need to pray for someone and I can’t stop thinking about it until I am obedient and do it. There’s this verse in Galatians Chapter 5 that I keep running across. It says, “let us keep in step with the spirit.” I feel like I am actually trying to let God direct my praying, maybe for the first time ever… even if I perpetually feel like I am a few steps behind that wily Holy Spirit.
I want to be honest with you… in case you think I’ve got this great renovated prayer life all worked out. I am learning that especially when I let God direct my prayers; they become more not less difficult.
Some prayers really stink. And even as I pray them I know I am in for it. There are things that come up that I know I should pray for but I avoid it because they are scary (what if God actually answers?). There are others I avoid because I know it is going to be uncomfortable and probably result in a lot of work on my part. An example I like to use is praying to forgive someone. One of my pastors said, “praying to forgive someone is a really scary prayer to pray because you know when you pray it God is going to actually make you do it.” It’s so true, isn’t it? I get very attached to my emotions and even more attached to my dreams and goals. It is scary as crap to actually let God have His say.
