First off I want to apologize it’s been so long since my last post but I have a good excuse- I thought I was dying.
How’s that for an opening line?
When I got back from training camp so much happened that I was afraid that even trying to type it out would throw my heart for a loop. So I stayed in the present and made it through a week of extra film training, launch and now I am sitting on the porch of my host’s residence typing out this blog for the first time and wondering how in the world I can update you on the last month and a half of my life. Picture one of those old 1940’s airplane shows with all the barrel rolls and upside down flying skills and you begin to get a sense of my world.
A week after I got back from training camp, after more immunizations than I can count and in the midst of getting ready for the biggest yard sale of my life- I had a panic attack. Couldn’t breathe, heart beating out of my chest, shaking and going cold- complete and utter panic.
What the heck.
Never had anything like that happen before and it was so bad that for te next 3 weeks I could barely leave the house without fighting this gripping feeling that it would happen again. I had never been attacked in an area like this before. The word that kept coming up at training camp to describe me was, “quiet strength.” I had never thought about that before, but I am a very calm, peaceful person. I’m rooted in it and now it felt like if I even thought about something stressful my heart would start beating out of my chest and scare me silly. How was I going to get through launch let alone 11 months around the world if going to the library freaked me out?
K Squad had to be back at camp in Gainesville for a few extra days of film training before all the squads arrived at launch in Atlanta. On the way there I was still closing my eyes going over bridges. When we were pulling into camp I was shaking I was so overcome with anxiety. You really can’t imagine it if you haven’t felt it, but it is deep fear. But seeing my squad, being around these people I grew better. I was only getting overly anxious a couple of times a day now about half way through camp.
Also about half way through camp my dad and his wife came up to Gainesville and took me out to dinner. And the most interesting thing happened. When I left my squad and got into the car with my family my strength completely disintegrated. I’m pretty sure Dad and Joanne thought I was crazy. They had expected a wonderful evening of precious time together and what they got was a basket case who was doped up on Benadryl. They took me to a very posh almost 4 star restaurant and I had my shoes off and my head on the table. I would talk 90 to nothin’ then drop my head back down and say, “I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry…” Once even, the waitress came by when I was saying something like, “I really hope I don’t have to sleep outside tonight….” It’s a wonder that these Good Samaritans and the homeless one didn’t get shown the door….
And then when I was back with my squad the grace and strength returned. This happened at least 3 or 4 times when I saw family but by the last one I made sure I was off all antihistamines…
There was a lot of grace when I told my family good bye. I only cried with my cousins. But after they were gone I finished out launch with almost 500 other racers about to begin a journey around the world and I was lost. I knew I was where God wanted me but why, why would he start me out with broken wings like this? I wasn’t feeling an ounce of strength. I was feeling weak and small. That is a simple sentence but feel the weight of it. I’m having trouble with today, at a nice Atlanta hotel, yet I’m supposed to leave the country for a year?
The funny thing is the Lord had been really speaking to me about the word, “courage” since training camp when He had told me, “One step at a time. I’ll fill you with strength and courage when you need it.” So at launch I feel like one of those farm animals from the game Hay Day who need food…. You know when the sheep are shivering or the chickens are laid out and only raise their heads or the pigs sit up and point to their mouths? I felt like that. Saying, “Ok! I could really use some of that strength and courage right now!” But the opposite of scarcity isn’t abundance, it’s enough. And He gave me enough grace to get me to this little porch in Guatemala now. I just feel the road was pot-holed and I had no shocks in my vehicle. Side note, if the Lord is bringing up a certain word to you over and over again, look it up. Because courage is basically walking through what scares you. Had I but known. When “supercalafragalisticexpealidotious” comes up- I’m out. Just kidding.
I had such broken moments at launch that I was even really afraid to worship because I was afraid of where the Lord might take me, meaning if He would want to break me anymore. So I worshipped the best I could from a safe closeness, thinking I would get better and better and the anxiety I was feeling was simply logical because the panic attack had been so bad that I had even told my mom, “You know I love you, right?” because I wasn’t sure I’d make it through the night breathing.
I fasted and prayed and shared with my squad what I was facing and was spoken over. I knew in my spirit that this world race was what God had for me, but to get to it He was either going to have to heal me or something was going to have to change. I’m a pretty private person, discretion is the better part of valor, right? But I opened up because it was at the point I had to, and I shared my struggle and my fear and what the Lord had been showing me and, a blessing came out of that right away that I thank the Lord for because I couldn’t duplicate the way each one happened if I tried,… But my squad drew me closer and loved me all the more. I like my strength, I don’t like feeling weak, but at least I was at a point where I could be open and transparent with my squad about my heart. Plexiglas is pretty and shiny but everything slides right off. Nothing sticks. Velcro on the other hand is rough and has little balls of lint and is not pretty but it sticks. There can be no trust and bonding without vulnerability they say. So it would be safe to say that a lot of bonding happened this past week or so…
I know that this is a long blog already, maybe it has to be to be the most epic blog ever- but I’ll speed it up.
Minutes before boarding the flight to Guatemala I was overwhelmed like I rarely have been in my life. I recognized it and went straight to Courtney who prayed over me and walked me onto the plane. Thank God for her. She said, “These last 30 yards you’re being attacked the hardest because the devil knows when you get on that plane he’s lost. So when you step over onto the plane you send up a shout of victory.” It was one of the hardest things I’ve done in the last few years of my life, getting on that plane, jetting off into the unknown, trusting God completely. But when the plane took off this joy bubbled up with the words, “You’re home.” Meaning I made it and the Lord has me. I’m with Him.
We are now in Quiche, (kee-chay) Guatemala at 7,000 feet or so above sea level. It’s higher than Colorado so I’ve been told. The people are warm and friendly and curious. The squad is all together this month, all 55 of us. So for ministry we break up into our teams and go to work at different areas. My team is picked up and carried higher into the mountains, riding in the back of a pick-up truck. We even rewrote the lyrics to Fancy singing, “We’re so Gringo, riding in this truck.”
It doesn’t feel like we’re in Guatemala. A lot of people have said this. The Lord has us in a very interesting place and trust seems to be a running theme here. Complete, unflinching trust. He’s working in us in ways we didn’t expect. For me, I finally came to the point a few days in, here in Guatemala, that He was either going to have to fix this anxiety or I wasn’t going to make it. So I comepletely surrendered to the Lord, everything. Saying, you brought me here. What you want to do, do, what you want to break open some more, have at it. I trust you. On both ends of the spectrum in my life. Good, bad, pain, joy, just let me walk with You. Do what you want to do, I trust you. And the next morning I began to not focus on my anxiety, but I focused on His peace and began to cultivate more room in my heart for His presence and spending time just sitting with Him and the anxiety began to flee. Because His peace is Presence. I don’t have it all figured out and don’t want to. I’m taking it one step at a time on this walk. But a deeper level of peace and closeness is welcomed. If this is just the start then where tdo we go from here. The first line in my journal that I brought along with me on the race is, “I feel like I’m at the end of myself and it’s just the beginning…”
I always said that if I had to choose a character from a movie that best represented me I would choose Sam from Lord of the Rings. Because his steadfastness resonated with me. I will carry you up that volcano. I can stand the heat. I think we could use more people that don’t pop out a scripture verse like a Band-Aid when someone’s soul is aching but can actually go in and just be with them in the pain.
The funny thing is now I resonate with Sam when he stops in the middle of the field because if he takes one more step it will be the furthest he’s ever been. Like Trey on the media team said, “You go on this journey and get to the end of the known universe of your faith and are like, ‘Whoah!’”
That’s kind of where I am. Only now I’m at the part where Sam can’t swim but he knows he has to go with Frodo so he’s just walking into the water. Sink or swim. And I feel like I’m now laying on the bottom of the boat, dripping wet and thankful. Gratefulness is attentive. I know what He’s brought me through these past several weeks. I don’t even like The Lord of the Rings, but there you have it.
Lol
We have the weekend off. Some people went to Antigua and some went to this lake where they have kayaking and cliff jumping. Me and a handful of others stayed here, I think to slow down and process. Everyone left this morning and as soon as they were gone Kendra said to me, “Do you hear those birds?! There’s birds here!” We had never heard them.
So restful Saturday in Quiche. Will try to find an internet café to post this and have to run by the market and figure out what we’re cooking for supper. We’ve only had a couple of days of doing ministry and ours was simply playing with kids. On Tuesday my team and another will start construction on a new building for the church we’re working with.
I hope this wasn’t too much to post but long story short- I’m not at home but I feel like I’m in home. The Lord has me and my squad and is working in ways that we never could have imagined right off the batt. Thank you all for so many prayers and everything that got me on the ground here. I love ya’ll!
So grateful, Sarah
