I sat in the movie theater, shaking in my seat while watching the screen in front of me flash when a King Kong-sized alien stomped over New York City and people below ran for their lives. To some, Cloverfield was just another action/thriller movie; but not to me. On that double-date during my freshman year in college, I was chilled to the bone as I realized for the first time in my life: I’m going to die someday. My boyfriend and I returned to my dorm room after the movie ended, and he sat next to me and stared at me blankly as I cried, “I’m going to die, I’m going to die!”, not knowing how to comfort me as I spiraled into a deep, dark abyss.
I was 19 when I understood my mortality. I began living in fear, unable to concentrate in my classes. I would sit in biology lecture, surrounded by 300 other students, wondering why are we all sitting here wasting our time? Why isn’t everyone panicking—don’t they know they’re going to die too?
Fast forward 2 years.
I was attending a service every couple of weeks at contemporary church my big sister from my sorority took me to. I realized that I didn’t need to be afraid of death, because there was heaven! Awesome… there no need to panic, right? I believed in God and I was attending services—not every week, but once or twice a month—whenever I felt like going. Sometimes I would even sit in the back and cry during worship. I would see the people around me with their hands raised in the air, crying out with so much passion to the Lord, and even though it scared me, I wanted what they had… I just wasn’t sure exactly what it was.
Fast forward 2 more years.
After numerous relationships in college coming to an end, I was finally single again. I was attending church more regularly, but things still weren’t clicking for me. I was still a bit squeamish whenever the pastor would talk about Jesus, only being comfortable while talking about God the Father. And one day, to my surprise, a young man approached me and introduced himself. I had known who he was for years, as he was often the one on stage leading the worship that brought me to tears. He asked me out to coffee, and before I knew it, I was in a relationship once again.
He thought I loved Jesus, and I can’t blame him—on the outside, it looked like I did. But as the weeks went on, it became apparent that I wasn’t living life as a believer at all. My sinful lifestyle was contagious, and soon it was affecting him as well. It was more than we could deal with together. He couldn’t save me, and I couldn’t pretend anymore. I fell into a pit of depression and self-pity when we decided that it was best to end things. I threw away any sense of worth that I had, and pleaded for a second chance. He refused.
I was lonely, hurt, and oh so fragile. It was the darkest season of my life, and while drowning in sorrow, Jesus revealed to me that I had a choice. It was time for me to choose—I needed to either keep trying to survive each day on my own, or I needed to surrender everything and choose Him once and for all.
Seeing as the former option wasn’t working out for me so well, I took a risk and chose the latter. I chose Jesus.
Soon after, my church campus announced that they would be having a night of baptisms. I felt a pull on my heart that although I was nervous, it’s what I needed to do. I needed to put my old self to death and rise anew, victorious with Christ. It was the outward expression of my inward commitment to a new life.
So on August 19, 2012, I was baptized. I cried the entire night, as the emotion I felt was so strong. I could feel Jesus’ love for me—it was more tangible and real than any “love” I had known before. My heart wanted to explode with joy and freedom and life. I felt completely whole, new, and fully alive.
You see, I was so afraid of living for Christ that I had to be brought to a place that required complete dependence on Him. A place where only He could save me from—and save me is exactly what He did. I’m still learning, still growing, and I’ve been radically transformed in these past years. I might not know all of the answers to complex theological questions thrown my way, or know the Bible inside and out. But I do know that this is how Jesus saved me, how he rescued me from an empty life that I could no longer control myself. I’ve dedicated my life to following Him, and I will spend my lifetime seeking His face as he continues to reveal Himself to me and renew me day by day.
