Steadfast Love

stead·fast also sted·fast (stdfst, -fst)

Unchanging, firmly loyal, determined in purpose, especially in a person's gaze. If I try to imagine what a steadfast gaze would look like, I'd use a word more powerful than just "gaze". This look would be given with intention, from a person who cared deeply and not just on a surface level. 
Honestly, thinking about getting that kind of look from someone freaks me out. It's the kind of look that goes straight past your eyes and pierces your soul; it's intimate. 

When it comes to love languages, I'm a really strange case. 
I thrive on quality time with someone, secretly hope for those moments when a friend shows up with a cup of chai, and am the first to tackle you into a bear (cub-sized) hug.
But the moment someone comes at me and initiates, I shoot back into myself like a turtle approached by a frantic child. When someone starts asking to spend time with me more than normal, I immediately feel smothered and want to run. And when someone starts getting a little too affectionate with me, I throw up this huge wall around myself that screams STAY AWAY. 

I come from a very loving, warm family where the majority of childhood was spent in a relative's arms or having my cheeks covered in kisses from my grandparents. So nothing adds up to why I have such an aversion to deeper relationship, to receiving anything from the people in my life. 

It was the life I saw outside of my home which attributed to the stone wall of protection so carefully built around my heart. Each sizeable stone placed by the actions and words of others and scrambled in translation by the Enemy. Each defensive layer formed by actions which spoke loudly that I was pathetic, worthless, unwanted. Critique from friends and jokes meant to be light hearted teasing; "I'd set you up with my friend, but I don't think I hate them that much". "Why would they pick you for that? Obviously she is a much better fit," Friendships and relationships started in trust, only to see them fall apart and find myself left devestated. "Someone else was prettier, smarter, thinner, funnier, more encouraging". "He wasn't really looking for a relationship, you were just useful in that moment, good for a while when the ache was numbed, distracted". 
I learned a habit of distrust; someone would be a friend one second, a stranger the next and all I'd be left with this an ache in my gut, an emptiness that soon became home to bitterness, depression, self loathing. Why let someone know you when all they'll ultimately want is what fun they can get from you before they move on to bigger and better things? Over time, each new scernario layers on a thin coat of pain and bitterness, building up years of emotional residue around your heart. 
This was the lie I let Satan feed me, and even now in those quiet moments, he still tries to tell me it's true. Even now he tries to sneak in and whisper in my ear, remind me of the things that happened in the past and pick the scabs off of wounds that are still healing, some newer than others. Instead of listening to the Enemy, my choice was to ignore him and everything else for that matter. To cover it all up and bury it deep in apathy. How can something be a problem if you refuse to acknowledge it's existence? 

I may not have been acknowledging the problem, but there was Someone else who chose to see it. He looked upon it directly; His eyes saw through my apathy, through my blissful ignorance, pierced through that stone wall of defense placed so carefully around those lingering, sore wounds. Intently, purposefully, steady and unwavering, His precious eyes saw straight to my hurt, straight to my pain, straight to the gouges and scars left by words and actions of the past. 

With that firmly loyal gaze upon the ugly wreckage of my heart, Christ hung on a cross and shed His blood to cover the scars and washes away the years of built up residue. Every harmful word, every broken piece of trust was washed away when He made the ultimate sacrifice and paid the price for me. And whenever the Enemy tries to convince me otherwise, my Papa is the first one to fight back.

He reminds me of who I am and who He made me to be, how He formed me perfectly in His image.
He is quick to tell me He loves me,
He paid the price for me,
I am His beautiful, mighty princess.
I'm a daughter of the Most High King, the Creator of Heaven and earth, the Alpha and Omega.
No matter how anyone else treats me, speaks death over me, or tries to tear me down, Christ has rooted me in truth and built me up in greatness. My hope is based on a solid foundation, my Cornerstone and shelter of my heart.

And because of this Truth, the sacrifice made for me, that all the pain of built up bitterness from my past suddenly seems so small. It is GONE, He has made it NO MORE. Simply by looking upon me, He has torn down the wall around my heart and set me FREE. 

His gaze upon me is unending, unwavering, and steadfast. 

‎"And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord," – Hosea 2:19-20