I know that God is good.
but sometimes it is harder to believe it.
I know that He has a plan for me.
But when things aren’t so clear, it’s so easy to doubt it.
I’ve been home for about a month and a half.
My process of change, transition, and abandon began two and a half months ago.
At the time, it was so easy to hear His voice, to respond with open hands and a willing heart.
But that was Africa, that was community, that was acceptable.
This is America, this is school, this is unusual.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like my life is bad.
Honestly, I have it pretty nice.
Sure, I struggle with making ends meet and my GPA could use a little help.
But I’m never going hungry, I have more than I need each day, and I have such caring friends.
I’m a dramatic person and I realize this
but sometimes struggling is a relative term.
I’ve got a lot going for me this semester.
But a lot of things aren’t going exactly as I had imagined
and quite frankly, it sucks.
Life isn’t fair
and I learned that a long time ago.
But grasping that concept doesn’t mean it makes it easier to swallow.
It’s one thing to know what my flesh doesn’t need
but coming to face what my flesh wants is a different beast entirely.
What my flesh wants is shallow, ugly, and just a temporary fix.
What my spirit longs for is substantial and fulfilling
but so flipping far away.
I don’t know if you’ve read Romans 8:13 lately
But I’ve come to realize
battling the beast of my flesh means waking up each morning
and running it through with a sword, one totally righteous sword
a sword of the Spirit, the one offensive weapon.
It sucks. It hurts. It’d be so much easier to just not.
But I’ve also learned that choosing the pain of dying to my flesh each new day
is far preferable to the slow, agonizing rot that festers in my soul
when I choose to just not.
“Good things come to those who wait”
but that doesn’t make the wait easier.
It’s so easy to see the downside, to scream like a toddler in a temper tantrum
“IT JUST ISN’T FAIR!!“
to kick my feet and smash my fists, gnash my teeth and break things.
But then things just get put into perspective.
I realize that while a lot of things aren’t fair
The most unfair was experienced not by myself
but instead it came in the form of three nails and a crown of thorns.
The most unfair came in a crimson forgiveness, shed from perfection
for the most disgusting, the dirty, the undeserving.
When I find myself in a tantrum on the floor, He meets me there
He lifts me up and instead of scolding me, He reminds me what He gave for me
mercy
grace
forgiveness
REDEMPTION
Sometimes it sucks
and I don’t understand
and I don’t want to wait
and I just want to throw myself on the floor and let my flesh win.
But in the end, that won’t fix it. No amount of yelling and screaming and kicking and whining
will satisfy the ache within my soul.
Instead, my selfish cries are discounting the sacrifice made on my behalf
mocking the gift Christ gave me on the cross
doubting His faithfulness even when He has more than proved Himself.
I realize how selfish I am, how petty my worries are
and He puts things into perspective, shows me my life through His eyes.
and suddenly I realize, the wait may seem long now
my doubt may overwhelm my ability to see with His eyes
though time is fleeting and my life merely a vapor,
He endured that pain, that suffering, that big ol’ bundle of UNFAIR
and felt it was worth giving for my vapor-like existence,
so the least I can do is trust that He is good,
even when His plan doesn’t fit the tiny box of my expectations.
Because I know He knows more than I do,
because He is good, because He is faithful
because He keeps His promises, He fulfills the desires of my heart,
even when that doesn’t make sense in the present.
because He is good
I will trust Him. Open hands, open heart.
Even when it doesn’t make sense in the present. . .
