On my first night of training camp we were asked what we wanted to bring to God this year. While I struggled with the question at first what I came up with was “Failure”. That night they continued on to talk about, as leaders, they wanted us to fail. They encourage it because if we’re not failing it’s probably a sign that we aren’t taking enough risks and those risks are what ultimately help us to grow.
The World Race has already brought me square in the face with failure over the last few months. Most notable in the fitness test at training camp — don’t panic, obviously I passed otherwise I wouldn’t be sitting in a hotel in Atlanta writing this blog. I’ve been holding the news of failing the fitness test pretty close since coming back from training camp, but it was honestly the single most impactful part of camp for me and what I learned about failure is only a small piece of what it taught me, or what God taught me through it.
To summarize, we have to do a fitness test to go on the World Race, we have to walk a certain distance in a set amount of time [I’m being vague on the specifics intentionally] with our full pack and gear on some challenging terrain. I could elaborate more on the reasons why I didn’t pass initially but they all sound like excuses, so I won’t. In the end I missed the time by 1 minute, not only did I miss it. Initially I thought I passed and I was finished, it was a couple hours later when my squad leader came to share the news with me that I realized I was going to have to face that challenge again. I had failed, and it was devastating.
I failed.
Those words are hard, for me in particular because throughout the course of my life I haven’t had to speak them out loud too often. I can probably count on one hand the times in my life where I significantly failed at something, and it’s not because I’m particularly awesome, but it’s because I’ve maneuvered my life to be in positions where I wouldn’t fail if I could control if (hey there’s that control thing I struggle with again). School came easy to me, so aside from that one quarter when I got a “F” in Calculus and a few quizzes here or there I didn’t fail in school — but I also didn’t do as well as I could have. I’ve taken few risks in my career and finances and have walked a straight easy path as an adult. I pick up things quickly, which usually made work easy. So I don’t have much experience with failure, but that’ s because I haven’t allowed for the possibility of it. This has manifested in to a very specific kind of apathy and lack of passion.
The failure I experienced at camp was humiliating, painful emotionally and physicall, all of the things I’ve worked hard to avoid as much as possible AND IT DIDN’T KILL ME. Looking back, I could have passed, for a thousand different reasons I should have passed, but I think God was orchestrating that failure to prepare me for what He has in store for me on the race. That failure triggered so much over the following week continuing long after me passing the test the next day. I even shaved 4 minutes off my time.
It was hard, so so hard, but I am so grateful for that experience, because I believe it’s going to shape my perspective and the whole experience of my race. He was preparing me for failure, because the success and the lessons that follow it are so much sweeter than playing it safe. Through that failure God also showed me how beautiful community can be in the face of failure. What it looks like to be surrounded by people who’s first responses to the news was “can we pray with you?” and “how can we help?”
As I’ve had almost two months to process this I just keep thinking about failure. How I’ve kept my distance from the possibility of it for so much of my life. But now, because of my failure I’ve learned that when we fight failure and when we allow our fear to control us it holds us back from all God has called us to be. We are told over and over again in the Bible not to fear, to trust in God and in what He’s called us to do. I’m preparing to do something amazing that I’ve always wanted to do and it would have been so easy to let the fear of failure prevent me from trying.
I’m looking ahead and thinking about how many times I’m going to be tempted to give in on the field. But mostly I keep thinking about how I’m going to walk out the next 11 months of my life. If I play it safe, if I don’t lean into the possibility of failure then I will be missing out on experiencing the full potential God has for me. Not only in the next 11 months, but for the rest of my life. So I want my story to be a story of failure, not just of failure, but of failure that urges me forward and keeps me growing in my strengths and in my identity in Christ
