It’s June 28th and as I searched through notes for inspiration for a blog post today I found something I wrote a couple of months ago. At the time, it felt too close or uncomfortable to share, but rereading it now reminds me of all that God is teaching me as I prepare to leave. It gives me hope for what the year will bring and the promises that He’s made to me. It also occurs to me that I feel different since returning from training camp. The words below are still true, but my confidence is greater. I’ve found comfort and peace in the areas that were causing me to stumble and resting in the truth of what I was experiencing in April has made me stronger. So here is some insight into the greatest lesson I’ve learned so far on this journey and thank you for letting me share it with you.
April 3rd, 2017:
The closer it gets the harder it gets. Each month, week, or day closer I come to leaving it seems to get just a little bit harder. As the to do list grows and the time to accomplish them grows shorter I feel a level of anxiety rise within me. But knowing is different than feeling. I know that eventually it will all get done, I know that all the money will be raised, I know that the little things that pop up as obstacles will subside or work themselves out, but it certainly doesn’t feel that way. And each distraction, worry and fear reminds me of another reason not to go. Over the past two weeks I’ve found myself simultaneously leaning on two thoughts for support through this; the first is a verse, the second is a song and they each address the struggles of my heart that cause me to stumble.
I am weary, the preparation is hard physically, emotionally and mentally and don’t get me wrong I knew it would be, but again knowing is different than feeling. Some days I struggle with the tedious frustration of figuring out how to get rid of all my stuff, or building up the courage to ask for money, or any number of other details that have to be addressed between now and the time I leave. And in those moments God is reminding me to lean on Him. That He will take up my burden, that His is light. That in Him I will find rest. (Matthew 11:28-30)
The second of these struggles is the cost of my calling. I’m not referring to the financial cost, though that is significant, but the cost of all that I will be leaving behind. Again, I knew the sacrifices that God was asking me to make when I signed up for this, I calculated them careful and decided firmly that I was willing. But again, the knowing and the feeling are different. Rend Collective has a song called “The Cost” that encourages me here. In days where I’ve been tempted to relish in the things I’ll be giving up, the things that God has made very real and very present recently, I turn to this song. It helps ground me, to re-center my focus where it needs to be. The words, “I’ve counted up the cost and you are worth it”, “I’m saying yes to you and no to my desires” ring true when the doubts and temptations surface. It goes on to say “I do not need safety as much as I need you.” These words cut deep and echo in my heart lately. Because knowing is different than feeling.
I know now what the cost is and I feel it. I also know that it’s God that I need and I need nothing as much as I need Him. I know that He’s calling me to do this and He needed me to know exactly what that meant. I have a wonderful life and things have been good lately, really, really good and I feel like if I stayed right now there are opportunities that may not be around when I get back–lovely, safe, good and easy opportunities. And if I stayed for them, it would be okay, but I don’t want an okay life. I don’t want lovely, good or safe. I want exquisite, daring, wonderful and worth it life which means that I have to go boldly where I’m called and remember that it’s the narrow difficult path that leads to greatness. That there is a high cost for a high calling and that if I stay true to what God wants for my life He’ll deliver me to something exquisite and daring and wonderful. That He’ll work through me in a way I can’t imagine and that’s why it’s worth the sacrifice.
I’d love to hear your thoughts or encourage you in the next steps that God is asking you to take in your life. Feel free to comment below or email me anytime!
Don’t forget to subscribe, if you haven’t already, and if you found this helpful please share!
Much Love,
