The countdown home is unavoidable at this point. It started when I logged my ticket info for my flight home into my Delta app, “48 days until your trip” it said. Then a squad mate posted a blog with a number, then another blog with a smaller number, then a phone call with someone back home brought it up again. The truth is now that I’ve seen the number I can’t forget it, and I’ve been thinking about being home for awhile now. I think that’s what has caused my hesitation to write anything here lately.
Our final week in India brought conversations with parents–and then each other–about what we want to do when we get home. The following week we had a debrief that asked us to think more about going home, not just what our vocation might be, but community and how we will continue to pursue God like we have been the last 11 months. A week after that we had an awakening and got the chance to share our stories with other World Races of whom we were the “most experienced” squad, which felt more like we were “the squad closest to going home”.
So, “What’s going to happen month 12?” has been on my mind a lot for the last two months. Despite my best efforts to ignore it. And what I’ve realized is,
I’m ready to go home, but I don’t want to leave.
There are so many reasons that I’m ready to go home. I miss my family, I want to sit and have coffee with my friend Samantha, eat dinner at Tiffany and Pete’s house, go to the beach with my Aunt and Uncle. I want to meet the four babies that have been born in my extended family since I’ve been gone. I want to drive my own car, to not share a room (and one bathroom) with five other women. I want more than four outfits to wear and to blow dry my hair consistently (I never thought I would say that before the race). I want to start going after all that God has put on my heart at home.
But for every one of those reasons I’m ready to go home there are so many reasons I don’t want to leave. I love exploring local markets and buying my breakfast from a family on the side of the street. I get to come home to five beautiful women who are constantly learning and growing from their pursuit of the Lord and they encourage me to do the same. I love giggling with them as we try to fall asleep and going on adventures with them through a strange city. I love exploring unknown streets where I find amazing hidden treasures from God on a daily basis. l love how strangers welcome us into their homes to share the gospel and worship the Lord.
The things I’ve done over the last nine and half months have been simply incredible.
Someone asked me last night if the race has been everything I expected, and my answer was “no”. But I couldn’t really explain why. It’s so different I can’t even put into words. The Race is so much more than I could have ever imagined and nothing like what I expected. And I don’t want it to end. I don’t want to lose the community I have here. I don’t want to lose the intimacy I have with the lord. I don’t want to lose the passion for the calling He’s put on my heart. And I don’t want to loose the very particular type of freedom that I’ve found in the far corners of the world.
I love the life that God has lead me to and while I’m ready to go home, I don’t want to yet.
As I’ve been fighting to stay present I’ve found the best way to do that is to live in gratitude. I had a chance to slip away for some reflection time in a Thai coffee shop a few weeks ago and I wrote in my journal, “I’m in love with the life He died for me to live.” As I’ve started walking in that more and more I remember how grateful I am to be here, walking in a newfound freedom, living this incredible life that Jesus died so I can live. The secret is that will be as true when the race is over as it is while I sit on a beach in Malaysia.
God has given me and excitement for the time to come after the race despite my uncertainty about what the future holds. He’s given me space and opportunity to realize that life doesn’t really have to look that different from what I love about this time when I get home. It will take effort and intentionality but it’s possible.
I miss all of your faces at home and I’m excited to see you soon, but right now I’m fighting to get everything I can out of these last several weeks, to give everything that I can give.
How cool is it that God has called me here for such a time as this? But He’s called you, too. To right where you are. I pray you can look around today and see all of the beauty and opportunity in the season that you’re in right now and don’t spend anytime wishing it away as you look towards the future.
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.”
-Ecclesiastes 3:1 ESV
Until next time,
Sara
