It is our last day in Central America and while my feed has been flooded with blogs from my squad about their time here all I really want to share with you is where my heart and head are. Before you continue reading, please know I am happy to be here, on the World Race, in God’s calling—walking in obedience, in another country and I want to stay here. But it doesn’t negate the fact that it’s hard and that has been at the front of my mind these last several days as we prepare to leave and move even farther away from what is familiar.
So, this life I’ve chosen and the path God has called me to is hard. Life in general is challenging if you’re living it well, because it’s only in doing the hard things that we find meaning and growth. But as the prospect of flying to Africa, changing teams, and facing the holidays far away from family and comfort have grew closer I became increasingly apprehensive. Writing it off and ignoring it at first, when I began to examine those feelings deeper I was able to admit what they were, fear. Add to that the fact that I loved our ministry this past month so much that I entertained thoughts of a future there and the apprehension grew. In my mind as well was the reality that the five people I had come to call family over the last four months would not be with me as I stepped into this next phase and the discomfort grew. Still I was resolved to go.
I have become increasingly steady in my time alone with God, praying, learning, listening. So a morning at the beach away from distraction is where I finally found comfort from God. I realized that morning that I had a choice. That if I so desired, when I arrived in Miami for our connecting flight I could easily say, alright guys, this is it, I’m going home. That it would be easy to go back to where I was six months ago. “I’ve already learned so much,” I thought to myself, “I can walk out a missional life at home and it would be easy (well easier). Maybe settle down, find a job and continue on the path I was on before. I’ve already learned so much and walk a different life than I had before and bonus, no more fundraising—easy peasy.” (Shall we take a moment to mention the other luxuries I could walk back to? A dryer, running water and sewer/septic systems that allow me to flush my toilet paper, hot water, wifi aplenty, a soft, plush real bed and a dog to snuggle with. Not to mention a life of independence where my decisions are not based on the desires of five other people. But I digress.) I even entertained the idea of going back to our ministry and working with them. After mentality exploring those options, I knew, without a doubt, that what God wanted for me was to stay on the World Race. So I asked “Why?”—because I didn’t want to stay here, I didn’t want to go to Africa, all I could see was the desire to rest comfortably at home.
His answer was simple and clear and pointed me to the Bible. I resigned myself to the beauty of what God has planned for me if I continue to take this path, no matter how hard. Knowing full well that God is good, and if I made the choice to go home that he would redeem that choice and bring good there. But the best choice was to move forward. I acknowledged the fear, anxiety and apprehension and gave it to God, trusting that he knew what was best and that he had a plan greater than the one I see.
And then after I had worked through this with God, resigned myself to the path that he was showing me, I was once again thrown off balance by being asked to be a team leader.
And then a day later, God asked me to make the hard choice again. We arrived at debrief, rested and anxious for news of who our new teams would be. (On the World Race they change teams for a variety of reasons, this one primarily due to the fact that leaders were being raised up from our squad and this would force some changes.) While my team had brought up the possibility of being a team leader, I knew it was something I didn’t really want and didn’t truly expect. But I knew if asked I would say yes. The evening we arrived to debrief my squad leader pulled me aside and offered me the position of team leader. And while I had prepared mentally to say yes, when I was actually asked to consider it and pray about it I was almost immediately flooded with anxiety. As I continued to think about the prospect without knowing who I would be leading I couldn’t help but wonder if the desire not to do it was a sign I shouldn’t. I eventually realized again it was fear. A paralyzing fear of failure, of insecurity and honestly a realization that it would just make my life harder. I’ll admit, I let it consume me for awhile. And then I had a conversation with a teammate who spoke of learning and living the phrase “Faith over fear and feelings”. And I was relived by her wisdom. I knew wholeheartedly that God wanted me to do this, that it was the logical next step in my journey. Just as I knew that I was supposed to continue on to Africa. I just had to hand my fear, anxiety and weaknesses over to God and trust that what he had in store was better than any plans I have.
In the past few days I’ve decided that fear and hope are two sides of the same coin. And the thing is if your looking at one, you can’t look at the other. So, from now on, when I start see the fear, I’m going to choose to see hope instead. Instead of a fear of failure and hurting someone in leading, I’m going to see the hope of witnessing grace from my team. Instead of fearing the challenges that lie ahead, the fear of pain, discomfort or illness. I will choose to see the hope of what it means to bring the Kingdom if God to the people that we meet.
So next time you hesitate to do something hard take a moment and ask yourself where the apprehension is coming from. Sometimes, it is wisdom, but it might also be fear. And instead of seeing only the fear, the possibility of failure and your own weakness look to God and ask what he sees in you and for you. What you might find is the hope of what is possible with Him far outweighs the cost of giving into fear.
“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control”
2 Timothy 1:7
Thank you so much for reading, I am always excited and humbled to hear how my journey is reaching others. If you enjoyed what you read or got something meaningful from it would you consider supporting me in one of two ways. First, would you share my blog if you found value in it? Second, please consider partnering with me to continue to bring Kingdom to the people of the world. I am still in need of $4,000 to stay on the mission field and would appreciate any financial gift, just click the “Donate Now” button above.
P.S. As I prepare to post this and finished it we are about to board our flight to AFRICA! Please keep our team and our squad in your prayers.
