I have completed training camp, and am overdue for a blog post. To be honest, I haven’t known where to start. It has been over a week, and I am still overwhelmed. What is it that prompts us to follow the Lord? To follow past the thousand fears and desires that tell you to turn around and take a safer road, to follow when the road seems completely dark, and past the point where ‘logic’ fails – into faith.
At training camp, the question truly haunted me. Beyond the physical exhaustion, the many sleepless nights, the constant change, the expectations of flexibility….and the lack of coffee….emotions rocked me. I struggled more than ever with walking in obedience without the support of either excitement or joy. I kept wondering how in the world I am here, kept telling God He had the wrong girl, kept asking God to either remove the call or reassure my heart if He truly wanted me to go.
When obedience is walked out, not out of excitement, but rather out of love for the Lord, it is ok – more than ok, right – that the extent of your sacrifice in obedience is known only to God. He is the only one that we are accountable to, the only one we live for, the only one who rewards our obedience with blessing.
One of my very favorite names for God is El Roi – the One Who Sees. The first time He introduces Himself with this name is in Genesis 21 – when Hagar is sent away with Ishmael into the desert. Hagar is distraught because they are dying of thirst. The Lord comes as the One Who Sees. He had seen the years of abuse, of rejection, and pain. He opens her eyes and provides the water needed for life – at just the right time, when she was at the end of herself, and not a moment too late.
God always sees, always knows, always understands the depth of the pain and the extent of the strength that is in you from wounds. He will not break you.
It is sometimes hard to not try to bring people to where we have been, to make them see the extent of the pain or the number of dark nights in order to get them to fully appreciate our obedience. But it is not our right to have man’s approval, and it is not their job to provide the approval and understanding that drives us forward.
There is only one reason we are able to do what we do. Why we have the courage to go or the heart to send. Why we give up our comforts for the chance to proclaim our Savior. Why we declare healing and set captives free. Why we would ever seek to take up our cross and die to ourselves.
It is His voice. The sweetest and fiercest sound that I know. I lost count of the times during training that my heart gave out and I had to ask Him again to confirm the call, but the number was long past the point of being a totally annoying pest. He faithfully gave confirmation every time I asked. Never frustrated, always pursuing.
This moment on the cliff, before I jump and am caught by His grace and power, I am humbled all over again that I am called to this journey. Humbled that I have your support, encouragement, and partnership for the amazing things that God has planned.
The road is about Him. It is for His glory, and for the opportunities for Him to show up with blessing, provision, and favor. We are set on these roads to declare the God stories that He gives us, for the encouragement and faith-building of others. Life is never intended to be about our story alone. The road is also about others. God does tell us to pick up our cross and follow Him, but He has never said we would alone. Who is next to you? Who is the one struggling with the same thing? When we find them, let’s remind each other of our God stories – He who promised is more than faithful.
