I cannot begin to explain just how amazing this whole experience has been so far and I have barely even gotten started! Every day has been a reminder from God that this is where he wants me to be. I have never felt that so strongly in my life. It feels like everything big or small leads me back to where I am at. I have to admit to there being times where I doubt myself, whether it be the fundraising (which I have to say is more than a little intimidating and a little bit terrifying) or questioning how God can work through me when half the time I don’t feel like I have anything much to offer. Every time this has come up God has sent me a reminder that he is there and that as long as I trust and listen to him that he will guide me through all of my doubt. It has come in so many forms over the past many months. In a conversation with a co-worker just the other day we talked about being able to hear God’s calling for our lives and how I’ve never been good at listen to subtle hint, but really need the sledge hammer effect for me to really catch on. Well, I can say that without a hint of doubt that God has provided the sledge hammer! Though the emails, comments, donations, conversations, and readings I have gotten he has kept reminding me that this is where I need to be and that as long as I continue to listen and act on what I hear then he will guide me through everything.
So what is the latest one? Well it has come through the book that our church is going to be working through for the next 4 weeks. If you have not read it I would highly recommend it! It is called Wide Awake by Erwin McManus. It got to me right from the start. The first section was all about how important it is to dream big! If we don’t we inevitably hold ourselves back from truly living for God. In the book McManus says,
“You have to be willing to dream of a life that seems unlikely or maybe even impossible. What you expect from yourself and your life has a direct effect on what you will get out of life.”
This statement hit me hard. By the end of the time I had been in Florida I had gotten to the point where I wasn’t dreaming. I couldn’t see how my life was going to amount to much. I felt like there was no point in thinking big when I obviously (to myself anyway) wasn’t going to amount to much. Over the past year that has so drastically changed. Moving back home to Colorado forcibly pulled me out of the ditch I had been settled in. Almost immediately my life began to make a 180° turn. Being with my immediate family was the first step. The second came less than a week after we got back to Highlands Ranch. My Dad and I (me on and off) have been a part of our church choir for close to 15 years. They had gotten a new director about a year before I moved back. While I had never met him my Dad spoke very highly of him and everything that he had done for the choir. I was looking forward to being able to be a part of that family again, but figured that I would have to wait until the fall season to rejoin having been told that they had stopped taking new people for season. I decided that even if I couldn’t participate right away that I should at least stop by to say hi to everyone that had meant so much to me over the years. At the end of practice my Dad practically dragged me up to the front to meet our new director Jeremi Richardson. I wasn’t expecting anything more than a nice introduction and maybe something along the lines of we look forward to having you back next season. As your probably guessing that’s not exactly how it went. As soon as we get up there, my Dad introduces me and tells him that I’m looking forward to coming back to choir now that I’m home in Highlands Ranch. However instead of the response I’m expecting Jeremi responded by saying “That’s great! So, can you sing Sunday?!” This was the first time in a very long time that I felt that it would be okay to start dreaming again. I know it sounds little, but it gave hope that everything really was going to get better. Over the past almost year that I have been back I have bit by bit began dreaming bigger. One Sunday in March after singing I was in tears because the words we sang were so meaningful to me. It was baptism Sunday and after the music was finished I made to decision to publicly and personally declare my faith and be baptized. These events were followed up by sermons and conversations that piece by piece began to remind me that in order to really live and be myself I needed to wake up and dream big. In September the World Race was put in front of me. While I still struggle with making myself expand my dreams I have come to realize that if I don’t believe something could happen then I am preventing the possibility that it ever will. Another quote from the book talks about how Jesus changed the way that his people engage in life. It says,
“He launched a movement that unleashed previously untapped potential in those who believed in him. He created an environment where his disciples began to believe the impossible and soon found they were turning dreams into reality.”
I think this a great reminder that with God everything is possible. When we make the decision to follow Christ we open the possibility to live big, to dream dreams that may have previously seemed impossible. He opened the doors now we have to walk through them stop holding ourselves back because we don’t see how something could happen or have all the answers. The World Race for me is the door to my big dream. Now it is my job to remember to be open to the impossible and start to every day live my life big and wide awake!
