One of the most commonly asked questions I have gotten both before and during the Race has been, “What made you want to come on the Race?” You would think that by month seven I would have a pretty solid response to this question. Truth is it has been a question that I have always felt like I was struggling to find the right answer to. Well, I finally feel like I have an answer. It is not simple, nor short, nor sweet. No, it is long, multi faceted, and complicated.
When I first applied for the World Race and even up until recently my answer would have been that I felt God calling me to push myself out of my comfort zone and when the Race was put in front of me my response was, “Well, that will do it!” Before the Race He spent many months calling me to something bigger than myself and the little bubble that I had isolated myself in. I had put both Him and myself in a box and refused to see that neither of us fit inside. I felt like the answer to that common question had to fit into the little box with me. I felt like it had to be perfect so that I could appear to have it all together.
Now as you can imagine my answer has changed. Don’t get me wrong pushing me outside that box is still a big part of why I am on the Race, but God has continued to reveal to me exactly why I am here and how I got here. It is not a pretty answer that can be tied up in a nice little package. As I have told you in previous blog posts I have been working through the reality of fear in my life. Over the years I have allowed fear to paralyze me and to hold me back from letting people inside the walls or past the dam I have put up in my heart. Little by little God has broken down those walls and the layers of that dam. He has taught me how to rely not on myself, but solely on Him. God has changed my outlook on life dramatically over the last many months and has truly opened up so many new doors that I have previously not allowed myself to even glance at. He has begun to show me more and more of what He has in store for me in the future and I am both overwhelmed with joy and more than a little terrified. While I have overcome much of the fear that I have held onto there is still layers that are holding me back from being able to step through the door that He has put my name on. The first step He has asked me to take towards my future is the scariest one of all. He has told me to stop running.
Over the years I have prided myself on my ability to adapt easily to change. I have viewed my ability as a blessing and something that allowed me to not hold back in new situations. In many ways that is a true statement. It has grown my passion for talking to new people and learning their stories. What I have ignored for so long is that it is also one of my greatest disadvantages. I have allowed myself to hide behind change for a long time. When life is constantly changing around you there is little or no need to truly let people in or to trust them. There is little to no reason for anything to be permanent. Whether it was a job, relationships, or the location that I lived over the course of the last nearly 15 years I rarely allowed anything to become truly permanent. There have been some exceptions to the rule in the friendship department, but all had been established or connected in some way or another to the time in my life before I really started to hold back. In the last couple years for example the friends I have made at church. I have considered the people from the church, especially the choir, to be family for many years.
I have developed a habit of writing off running as jumping in or taking advantage of all of the opportunities presented to me. When I felt like I failed at one thing I would put it behind my dam and move on to the next thing. When I felt like someone was getting too close I would withdraw and hold back, become scarce, or move. There were several years where I gave little trust to anyone including God. I held on to the idea that if I held back and didn’t fully trust anyone I wouldn’t get hurt, whether it was by someone else or by my own failures. I have said many times that God has been completely turning my life around and this is what I mean. Over the course of the last many months now God has been firmly reestablishing my trust in Him. He has shown me that He is my stability, He is the one that is always there, He never leaves me, He loves me more than I can imagine and He is the most permanent thing in my life.
I had the opportunity to share this revelation with my team and one of my teammates made the observation that sometimes our situation with each other reflects our situation with the Lord. She suggested that I look into the possibility that if I struggle with people and things on earth being permanent and worthy of trust that maybe I feel the same about God. As I thought about her statement it I really began to see more of what He has been trying to show me. He has worked in reverse of that in my life. He has over the course of the Race taught me how to love and trust in Him and in His love for me. In that moment He told me the people I am holding back from and the people that He will put in my life on that permanent basis trust in Him just as I do and He loves them the just as much as He loves me. So how can I not trust them? By not placing my trust in them, I am not trusting in Him.
I mentioned in my last blog that over the last couple weeks there has been a great deal of conversation revolving around what our plans are for after the Race. While I am still not ready to fully answer that question for you I do have a little piece of information in that regards. I have felt and really known since before I launched that the Race was going to be a time of transformation and an ushering in of something totally new. What He has really begun to show me over the course of the last 5 or so months is that what He is preparing me for is going to hold more permanence than I have allowed myself over these last 15 or so years. There are people who are going to be there for the rest of my life. The continuous change and the layer that I had put in place to stop things from becoming permanent, was thick. Before taking it down He showed me that as long as I left it standing I would never be able to truly have or build the types of relationships that I so deeply desire. If I kept running I would never see what was right in front of me or what I was allowing to pass me by.
It is amazing to see just how God works. He has showed me just how He can truly use anything and work it for His good. He has used my fear of things becoming permanent and my eagerness and adaptability to change to put me here on the World Race. Yes, He definitely called me to be here on this Kingdom Journey. Yes, He was pushing me to step into something bigger and outside my comfort zone. He used my fear of failure, rejection, and so many other things to trigger me to run. What I didn’t know then was that I wasn’t running FROM anything. I was running straight to Him. So now there is no more need to run, nothing to hide from or behind. Now it is time for me to stand up straight and face the incredible journey He has planned for me head on with an open and trusting heart.
