Dear You,
I am choosing to wear my heart on my sleeve. I am giving you a transparent looking glass into my life and scraps of my messy but redeemed learning process.
Also, may I submit to you that it is a process, but Father God knows what He is doing, and He has a plan to weave it all into something beautiful.
Love You Madly,
Sara Torres
I have come to realize that in my prayer/journaling/conversational/blogging endeavors, newness and change seems to be a ringing theme, but in all fairness, throughout the heartbeat of The Gospel, newness and change also seems to be a ringing theme.
Aside from the fact that Jesus came and did away with the old and gave us newness in Him, there are a lot of places in The Word with themes of change; The Lord loves change. He works in seasons. He takes away to establish. He tears away the old wine skin, because it will burst with the new wine. One of the best ways a new season is illustrated to me is in Deuteronomy 2 verse 3:
“You have circled this mountain long enough- now turn north.”
A few weeks ago, I went to training for the race. I met an incredible team of the people I would be doing life with for next year who are on fire for Jesus. We worshipped together, we shared child-sized tents together, we celebrated victories and grieved disappointments together. It was just a minuscule glance of the wondrous road ahead of us.
The first few days were filled with seminars led by and amazing man named Ron Walborn who absolutely breathed Holy Spirit with every word that he spoke. One lesson in particular was about grieving losses. Among several things, one thing that he said that stuck out to me was:
“If you don’t grieve the loss of an old season, you cannot fully embrace the new one.”
He then gave us time to grieve losses, so we could fully embrace our season on the race. So many people around me were doing wonderfully at this. They were crying and letting go. I was tear-less and trying to figure out what I needed to let go of and also guilty that I couldn’t muster up any water from my eyes.
Then I spoke with one of the women going on the race with us who happens to be a few decades my senior and a mother. If you know me, you know that middle-aged to older women are my absolute favourite. I find them to be so beautiful, peaceful and calming. I talked to her about how I think that maybe possibly I’ve had one foot in an old season for many many years.
Jesus is so funny.
What was so significant about this was not just what happened during camp but after camp. Quite literally the day that I got home, that old season came knocking at my door after many…many years.
Ha.
I engaged with pieces of this old season as I mulled over with The Lord how to handle this- laying it at the feet of Jesus over and over and over again. I processed it with my wonderful sisters in Christ who love me and have my back.
This thing seems like such a small thing, but anything that is a big deal in our hearts is a big deal to God. In a way, I re-experienced a taste of this season as The Lord showed me what it looks like through His eyes and why it was never His plan for me. With a lot of emotional wrestling and tears, I cut ties with this old season.
Now, something I must share with you is that it was far from what I felt like doing. It was what I knew I needed to do. It was a moment of deciding that Jesus is more important to me than holding onto something old that would ultimately hinder my relationship with Him.
The timing of this coming up has been such a God thing. Right after learning about grieving old things to walk into new seasons, I was able to re-process this old thing in a godly and healthy way- a way that I could forgive and let go and be prepared to go into the unknown and serve. I have experienced the truth of what the Chinese philosopher, Lau Tsu said:
“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.”
To be honest, what I am stepping into feels scary but so right. I came home from training camp with a new level of reality of the fact that college is over. My college best friend and roommate got married the next day, and I am preparing to graduate in a matter of weeks. I sat down with my Father God to process this, and He reminded me of the last time that I took a large step (for me) and moved out of the comfort of my childhood home. What He said was so sweet and healing:
Sara,
Do you remember how much growth and freedom you experienced moving outside of the comfort of your mother’s home? You learned to lean on Me instead of her, and healing and freedom came from that. You’re moving out of your comfort zone again- only this time it’s out of the country. Just picture the growth and freedom I plan to give you out of that. You are going to be released from bondage that you didn’t even know you had. You will experience a level of my presence and joy that you have never even seen before. Do not fear; I will always be with you. Hold my hand as we venture out into the unknown.
Your Father
This won’t be easy, but it will be challenging, wild, beautiful and good.
