Thus says the Holy Spirit, “Pull your big girl panties up and speak some life already!”

The night before, worship had been incredible. The environment was freeing, the Holy Spirit was moving, and I was able to experience the love of God like never before.

This night, however, was completely different. I felt nothing…nothing but one huge wall blocking me from entering a place of worship with my Creator.

I felt like I needed to go find our squad leaders and ask for prayer, but I was also feeling stubborn…and in a “fake it” sort of mood. Why not just stay here near the front and pretend to worship? That’d be easier right? But what fruit would that decision bear?

None.

So I turned around and worked my way through the crowd. The entire way I felt guilty. I was going to interrupt their worship because I couldn’t focus?? With every step, I felt like more and more of a burden. That is, until I found Stacy. She began to pray for me. It was good, but there was more to be done. We grabbed Vanessa and went outside.

Me: (still feeling guilty) “I’m sorry we’re doing this now. You guys were worshipping…”
Them: “This is worship!"

This. is. worship.

Once we were outside and away from the pavilion they told me that I had spoken death over myself for far too long and it was time that I started speaking life.

I thought “Okay, great. This is awkward…(and another moment where what we had just been taught was going to be put into practice NOW…not later).”

As I stared at the ground all I could get out was “I’m worth it.” It was barely more than a whisper, but they affirmed me saying, “That’s good.” I struggled through a couple more one liners. Then they asked me to look up at them, making eye contact, and say it.

My mind went blank and my words felt even more dead than before.

Then all of a sudden, they had this great idea. I didn’t think it was great at the time. In fact, I thought it was even more awkward and uncomfortable than what we had already been doing.

Those crazy M-Squad leaders: “Let’s go outside and yell it!”

What? You must be joking? Yell it? Like with the chance that someone might hear us? Looking back on it, I don’t know why I ever let my fear of men get in the way of yelling the truth that all mankind needs to hear.

We stood outside, facing the darkness, and they waited for me to say something.

With every statement, I felt the discomfort and doubt leaving, and a new confidence taking its place.

And so it continued, until we felt full of life and confident in the truth of who we are. We headed back into the pavilion and I experienced a night of worship like never before – praising God continuously for His goodness…

…for Him not being okay with my apathetic worship and desiring more for me.
…for interceding and asking me to step out and ask a leader for prayer.
…for introducing me to the power of speaking life.
…for using Stacy and Vanessa to bring me one step closer to freedom.

 
Although this story would make a decent post by itself, there’s more to it. The story doesn’t end with me, Stacy, and Vanessa yelling into the woods, jumping and punching at the darkness.

The next morning one of my squad mates approached me.

Sister: “Sara, were you outside yelling during worship last night?”
Me: “… (nope, wasn’t me), uh maybe?”
Sister: I thought I heard you.
Me: “Yeah…I hoped people couldn’t hear. Sorry if it distracted you.”
Sister: “No, not at all. I wasn’t in the pavilion worshiping. I was down over the hill, crying. I felt like God was just so distant. So I was praying and asking Him to speak to me, to tell me how he sees me and to remind me of who I am. As soon as I finished praying, I heard you begin to yell…God answered my prayer.”

I’m beautiful.
I’m worth it.
I’m forgiven.
I’m a daughter.
I’m loved.

For the first time I realized that my decision to be obedient (or disobedient) never only affects me. It always affects others. 

I could have stayed in the third row, faking it, pretending to worship, until the night was over. I could have ignored God's nudge to head to the back, grab a leader, and ask for prayer. I could have refused to yell life into the darkness because it was "weird." But I would have missed out on the chance to be part of an answered prayer. 

I don't doubt that He would have called someone else to answer her prayer had I not responded. Someone else would have ended up yelling into the darkness that night. He would have reached His daughter some way or another. But I'm grateful that I was in a position where he could use me, and speak through me. 

How many missed opportunities have we had where we could have been the answer to someone's prayer had we only responded to God's first gentle nudge?

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