[As you read this blog post, please give me grace as this took me a long time to write and even more courage to post. This is a raw account of my heart these past 6 months. I hope you can sort through this wordy mess and that the Lord will use these words to encourage you.]
Right when you think you’ve got this Christian walk down and you can’t be stretched or refined anymore, God will stretch you. I asked for brokenness and I told God that I’d go through ANYTHING if it meant that I’d be closer to Him. My prayer journals during my first 5 months on the race were filled with pleads to God for brokenness, refinement, pain, heartache– I wanted to go through trials and be in the valleys because I knew in that weakness is where I would find the sweet spot of God and grow the most spiritually. My prayers were answered, just not in the way I wanted them to be. I didn’t want my year to look like this. This was actually one of my worst nightmares going on the Race- that something would happen to my family and my “plans” would be changed. I wanted the World Race so badly. I was living out the biggest dream of my life, never in a million years did I want to leave.
When your world comes crashing down who will you run to? Will you pity yourself? Will you say, “This just isn’t fair!?” Will your circumstances determine your joy?
Leaving Thailand to return home, I was on such a spiritual high and I felt the strongest I had ever felt in my faith. Secretly, I thought I’d be this perfect missionary coming home to save my family and show them what it really looked like to trust God in the dark places. I thought nothing could shake me. (cue sarcasm) I mean I’ve ministered to prostitutes in the bars, how hard would it be to minister to my own Christian family!?
I was so wrong.
I was a wreck. Moody, depressed, self-entitled, and struggling with culture shock, I started ignoring God. I avoided quiet times like the plague because whenever I started to pray or read my Bible I would crumple over in tears. I couldn’t take this pain. My dad wasn’t suppose to have cancer. I wasn’t suppose to be home. I wasn’t suppose to be this weak and vulnerable.
I felt like I was suppose to be strong, Godly, and unshakable, but I just couldn’t bare the intense pain I was feeling so I closed my heart off to those around me and to God. I went into autopilot mode, living out of my flesh, and questioning God and His goodness. I didn’t want anyone to help me and see my weakness. I bottled up anger and lashed out at those closest to me. Some days I could barely get out of bed. I was anything but pleasant to be around. I was so mad, so bitter, and bottling so much pain. I hated my life and I felt like God had abandoned me.
For the longest time I couldn’t even look at my Squadmate’s Facebook pages or Instagram accounts because I was so angry. “That’s not fair that they’re in Cambodia, Vietnam, India, etc. and I’m sitting in a chemotherapy treatment room for 8 hours straight with a sick dad, a hardened heart and angry towards God,” said my flesh. I was suppose to be traveling the world, living the best year of my life, and sharing Jesus with the broken… c’mon God, you’ve obviously made a mistake here!
I couldn’t even send my squad a letter explaining my decision to stay home. I tried, I just didn’t even know what to say. All I could think was this sucks and isn’t fair that y’all are out on the field while I’m going through the hardest time of my life back at home. I was so mad and I was too embarrassed and ashamed of my anger to even admit it to anyone.
My squad was incredible though. They prayed on my behalf because I grew too exhausted to do so anymore, they sent me daily messages and texts of encouragement, they fasted, prayed big prayers, made videos, and even shaved their hair (Ashley!) for me, my dad, and my entire family. That’s community right there. They were my family and even though they were on the other side of the world and had a 12 hour time difference from me, I’ve never felt so close to a group of people.
S squad, y’alls sacrificial love and support reminds me of Aaron and Hur in Exodus 17. In this story, Moses was leading the Israelites when the Amalekites attacked them. Moses stood on top of a hill and raised his hands. When his hands were raised, the Israelites would be winning the battle, but whenever his arms dropped, the Amalekites would start to win. Moses grew tired and weak, but Aaron and Hur came around him and literally held his arms up until the Israelites defeated the Amalekites. This is community and friendship. This is the Body of Christ coming alongside others to lift them up when they are physically too exhausted to do so. This is what S squad did for me.
I also had incredible new friends here in Athens who encouraged me and devoted their time to being my friend. They had absolutely no reason to dedicate their time and energy to me- I didn’t even know them before leaving for the World Race. I felt like such a burden and I certainly did not want them to get to know me during this season of life. Who wants a new friend that’s emotional, angry at God, and whose dad has cancer? Definitely not new friend material. I just wanted to be left alone and deal with my grief by myself. But that’s not what God wanted and these sisters in Christ were obedient to Him. They were persistent and they pursued a friendship with me, let me cry on their shoulders, and encouraged me to admit my weakness and my struggles. It was here, with them, that I finally admitted that I was angry with God. This took a lot, but it was through this admittance that I was able to start receiving healing for my hardened and hurt heart.
We then attended a prophetic night at a church in Atlanta. Showing up an hour late and feeling discouraged because I’ve never received a word from God in a corporate setting like that, I planned to just sit in the back and go unnoticed. God’s plan was different though. He saw me and He wanted me to know that. He wanted me to know that no matter how much I ran from Him, He wouldn’t stop chasing me. He would always love me and would never leave me. One of the ladies leading the service came over to me and began saying things to me that there’s no way she could’ve known. God was giving her His heart for me. Through this woman, He began telling me that He was pleased with me and proud of me, that my decision to go home blesses Him, that he cherishes and honors my decision to willingly lay aside my dreams to serve my family and say yes to Him. He said I was a faithful servant, His treasure, and that He has stored my tears as a priceless fragrance unto Him. What?!?
Tears streamed down my face as I thought about how angry I had been at God. I felt like I was the worst daughter and that I had completely failed this trial that had been given to me, but that’s not what God saw and He wanted me to know that. He saw me as perfect. Even though 95% of my time at home had been full of anger and ignoring God, He didn’t see that or remember that. He could’ve, and in fact should’ve, told that lady that I had been very disobedient and He was ashamed of how I had handled this situation, but that’s not our God. Our God sees us as perfect, holy, beloved, worthy. He sees us as His sinless, beautiful Son, Jesus. Because of what Jesus did on the cross 2,000 years ago, I don’t have to carry around the shame and burden of how I had been acting the past few months. I was blameless in His eyes.
“I love the cross. I love the fact that when Jesus died on the cross it meant that we could come before Him with boldness. Because when that vail was torn in two, it gives us this access, it gives us this moment, these moments that we live for. That His presence comes and hovers and we can feel it. Aren’t you so thankful for Jesus? Aren’t you so thankful for the price that He paid on the cross? To pay for our sin and give us mercy and grace, but more than that I love that He wanted us, He wants us. He loves to be with us.” (Kari Jobe)
Breakthrough in my heart began to happen and I ran back to Jesus, falling at His feet.
I finally felt the freedom to express how I was actually feeling. I no longer felt ashamed to admit my anger towards God. God already knew I was angry with Him and with my circumstances, but when we admit it and say it out loud, it is so humbling and it is in this weakness and surrendering spirit that God can literally pick us up, hold us, and begin to heal our hearts. He comforted me and told me that it was okay. It was okay that I was mad. It was okay because He’s bigger than our feelings.
He can and will redeem my situation.
He will use my story as a powerful testimony. He isn’t done with me. He hasn’t abandoned me. He wants me to come to Him every day, no matter what that looks like. Some days I’m a big crumpled, slobbery, snotty mess that just needs to weep and mourn. Other days, I’m full of joy and I can taste and see His goodness. It doesn’t matter where we are in our walks with Him- he doesn’t want us to be perfect vessels that come to Him, he wants us as we are, all of our messes and all of our weaknesses.
Flaws and all, He’s the one that will put us back together again, we don’t have to worry about that part.
No matter where you are or what you’re experiencing right now, run to God. It doesn’t matter if you’re angry with Him, just run to Him. He can deal with it and He wants to deal with it. Be honest with yourself, with others, and with Him about what you’re feeling. Vulnerability breeds intimacy. Intimacy breeds healing. He wants us to mourn and grieve in His arms. It’s okay if life isn’t what you thought it’d be right now, He is going to take it where it’s suppose to go. Trust Him. He hasn’t forgotten you. He has big plans for you. You are His favorite and He wants you to know that. He loves you.
My dad has a caringbridge site if you’d like to catch up with what the past 6 months have been like and how he’s doing now. He has finished treatment and has an appointment for a scan on May 28th that will tell us whether the cancer is gone from his body.
Please join us in prayer for complete healing! We are believing that our God is able!
Thank you for your prayers these past months. It’s been a difficult season, but God is redeeming it all. He is good and faithful.
“God works all things for the good of those who love Him.” Romans 8:28
Thank you, Jesus!
Here’s an incredible song that the Lord has been using to heal my heart and draw me closer to Him these past few weeks. Take 5 minutes to listen to it, you won’t regret it.
