*disclosure: I felt like I needed to share part of my heart in this blog although I ran back and forth on whether or not to post this. I want to take you into my life at this point so…here it goes —
A couple of weeks ago, I was on the Good Woman Project website and I clicked on the category that said from the men. As I was reading around and scrolling down, I saw a blog written from a guy that was apologizing to a woman he had wronged. This was the first time the I felt thankful that a man had owned up to mistakes and sounded very genuine. Reading that letter made me shed a few tears. For a long time now, I had wanted my dad and other men who I know have wronged me, to sincerely apologize to me for how their actions have deeply wounded me. Was it wrong for me to want that? I thought that thinking this was selfish, unforgiving and wrong when all I really wanted was to move on and be healed completely and let the Lord mend it beyond recognition.
Last night, a man apologized to me in a sincere and heartfelt manner. He stood right in front of me with his wife standing next to me holding me and looked me straight in the eye and said "I'm so sorry". He proceeded to apologize to me as he were my father. In that moment I felt strange because I felt as though part of me said 'finally I can move on' as the other part of me felt sad and broke my heart to want my dad to know Christ in such impacting intimate ways. Yet, I felt strong in knowing that the Lord will change his heart as I continually intercede for him. When Tom said that I was a good daughter, I almost immediately thought that I wasn't. You see, it's hard for me to see myself as a good daughter when I most times don't want to talk with him. It's not that I don't want to but it's because my heart feels so broken for him, that it makes it hard to talk with him. I get angry at him because he lies, is prideful and is always making himself the victim. I don't trust him. I don't know how to love him well. How can I be a good daughter?
I am a good daughter because I want what is best for him. I am a good daughter because I pray on his behalf. I am a good daughter because I traveled internationally to see him, to love him in a way that was painfully, painfully hard after 5 years of not seeing him and 7 years since he left our family and after years of heart wrenching pain, weeping, sorrow and the loss and absence of a good well loving father. I am a good daughter because I want to love and forgive him just as Jesus loves and forgave me. That love is the love I want to show my father. I am not a bad daughter. I am fully loved, clothed in royalty, beauty, integrity, purity, holiness, wholeness and my worth does not come from my earthly father or any other man but it comes from my Papa who gave everything so that I can be in His arms and be in an intimate, very real relationship that has changed my core being in every way. And I love Him so much! This is why I was able to love in ways that are challenging and continually forgive; continually pray.
After this deep emotional healing that happened to me, the men in our squad washed our feet as a symbol of how they want to serve us this next year of our lives and to show us that they are serious about loving us women well. Our squad leader Ben stood in front of us and was almost weeping as he apologized on behalf of men who have ever wronged us in any way. Deep healing happened last night. Other men stood up telling us to search our identity in Christ and not to find our savior in other men because they will fail. They told us to instead fix our eyes on the Lord who gives and loves far more than what any other human being can love. They told us that we have worth in the Lord and read to us the first part of Ezekiel 16. They told us we are worthy to be pursued by a Godly man who loves well. I thought – 'really?? I am?' as I thought about it for a couple of seconds I started to nod my head and accepted this – something that I would not fully accept before that night.
God is changing me. He always is. Last night, he took away a part of fear in me that I carried with me for so long. The Lord is good and if it is in his plan for me to get married one day, He will only give me the best. I TRUST Him. I TRUST His judgement. I will continue to live my life for the Lord and whenever the Lord decides to bring that man into my life, it will all be HIS TIMING. I have never been the type to want to even think about marriage much. I, most times, felt like it was a waste of time because I believed that no good man would ever exist for me. I always held on to the fear of him leaving me, hurting me, using me, restraining me from who the Lord created me to be, cheating on me and belittling me for the way that I am. But I am TRUSTING the Lord who is good, faithful and gives us far more than we can ever expect. I mean…look at what I am doing right now! My life should have never ended up this way, but by God's grace and goodness and because He LOVES to give good gifts to His children, I am going to the nations to proclaim His goodness and never ending deep affection He has for every human on this earth right at this very moment. The Lord is good in everything. It may be nerve wrecking, but He has shown me again and again His goodness and faithfulness. How could I NOT TRUST Him?
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen" Ephesians 3:20-21
