up until that night, i’d been feeling kinda numb, somewhat
emotionally insensitive. maybe the substance of the teaching and the
pace at which we were being taught was like drinking from a fire
hydrant. maybe the overload of people subconsciously triggered a
partial shut-down. or maybe it’s much simpler than that and it was
just the silly devil’s attempts to keep me from engaging with God.
emotionally insensitive. maybe the substance of the teaching and the
pace at which we were being taught was like drinking from a fire
hydrant. maybe the overload of people subconsciously triggered a
partial shut-down. or maybe it’s much simpler than that and it was
just the silly devil’s attempts to keep me from engaging with God.
regardless, that night i not only felt compelled to contribute to
the bonfire, but also to confess before the g-squad that i was a snob.
i had been trying so hard to humble myself, and had been taught and
trained not to ask of people’s educational or employment experience
when i first meet new people. inside i really had to battle to keep
myself from mentally pulling my resume with everyone else to see how we
all stack up.
the bonfire, but also to confess before the g-squad that i was a snob.
i had been trying so hard to humble myself, and had been taught and
trained not to ask of people’s educational or employment experience
when i first meet new people. inside i really had to battle to keep
myself from mentally pulling my resume with everyone else to see how we
all stack up.
so i had to surrender the future and everything about it – my
career, my singleness, financial security, friendships, family, et al.
i had to burn the mindset that everything i did would crescendo into
however i was going to impact the world. my friends have settled into
their paths – bankers, diplomats, doctors, economists, educators,
lawyers, managers, pastors, policy makers, politicos, professors,
researchers – but i’m still auditioning different things.
career, my singleness, financial security, friendships, family, et al.
i had to burn the mindset that everything i did would crescendo into
however i was going to impact the world. my friends have settled into
their paths – bankers, diplomats, doctors, economists, educators,
lawyers, managers, pastors, policy makers, politicos, professors,
researchers – but i’m still auditioning different things.
i wanted it all – something professionally rewarding yet
spiritually fulfilling – on my terms. it was dawning on me at training
camp that the world race wasn’t a spiritual hunch anymore, this is
where God was calling me and i had to surrender to allow Him to fully
realize His plans.
spiritually fulfilling – on my terms. it was dawning on me at training
camp that the world race wasn’t a spiritual hunch anymore, this is
where God was calling me and i had to surrender to allow Him to fully
realize His plans.
so after i set that log and all that it represented ablaze, the
dam cracked and split open. as i prayed the tears spilled over.
then i had to repent as ben (don’t) messner shared a verse that someone else had shared with him:
dam cracked and split open. as i prayed the tears spilled over.
then i had to repent as ben (don’t) messner shared a verse that someone else had shared with him:
for wherever there is jealousy (envy) and contention (rivalry and
selfish ambition), there will also be confusion (unrest, disharmony,
rebellion) and all sorts of evil and vile practices.
– james 3:16 (amplified bible)
messner put it this way – that when there’s confusion, it can be traced back to vain conceit and selfish ambition. oh how true hebrews 4:12 came true that moment. the crying devolved into bawling as i had to repent, and make galatians 2:20 my prayer – i had to put myself to death and live in Christ.
and since then i’ve been tasting more of that life, and God traded my weeping for laughter.
