part I – defying gravity

By way of
the TV show Glee (one of my favorite
shows), “Defying Gravity” from the musical Wicked,
sung by Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel, has become one of my favorite
songs. Listening to it never fails to
give me goosebumps, not only because of the vocal prowess the artists display, but
because the lyrics seem to line up more closely with my life recently.

A couple
of weeks ago, I believe, is when Ashley sent out the email with the dates of the
first World Race Alumni trip. A few days
prior to that, less than a week since the earthquake first struck, the trip was
just an idea yet in my gut I knew I had to do more than just read and watch and
give and pray. God was asking who’d go,
as in Isaiah 6:8, and in my spirit I replied with a resounding “yes”.

I sent a
rather emotional email to work requesting time off, which in retrospect read
more like begging forgiveness instead of asking permission (N.B. this is how
not to approach it, DON’T follow this part of my example!). Later that day, which was late at night, I
checked my work email and Kayak.com. Time was of the essence so I went ahead and booked my flight.

Suddenly I
found myself in between the realm of possibility to probability.  The reality of what I just did caught up – it
was all so impulsive, nonsensical and reckless – as I stood with my toes just
protruding over the edge. The voices
telling me to step back, think twice (to think, really), to turn around and
slow down echoed over the canyon of the unknown.

Now, I haven’t
seen the musical, so I might be taking this out of context [afterword:
actually, I just Wiki-ed Wicked and
now I really wanna watch it], but I am
somewhat familiar with the premise of the story.  The few people who made me question myself
were like Glinda from Wicked:

“. . . why couldn’t you stay calm for once, instead of
flying off the handle?. . . / So though I can’t imagine how, I hope you’re
happy right now.”

Everything
happened so fast that I hadn’t stopped to check myself: why am I doing this?  How can I be sure that I am supposed to go?  I’ve never done disaster relief, who am I to
go?  It’s dangerous and (at that point) I
still am not sure where exactly I’ll be and what exactly I’d be doing.

I end up
leaving Allison a tearful plea for prayer over voicemail and call Ashley,
trying but failing to maintain composure. Both of them were so gracious and helped clear the way for the Lord’s
voice to cut through the echoes of doubt and worry and fear.  

And just
as I had believed He would, God met my faith with favor – my boss gave the
green light and my supporters, particularly the leadership at ODPC, covered me
in prayer and encouragement. It came
later than I had expected, but He gave me the peace and clarity I needed to get
myself on that plane.

Of course
God doesn’t make sense all the time, especially before the fact.  Christie Albaugh put this quote up as her
Facebook status:

What is faith, after all, but believing in advance what
only makes sense in reverse?

And surely,
the whole quitting my job and giving away most my stuff and leaving home and living
out of a backpack with fifty people in eleven countries didn’t make sense
beforehand and was crazy. . . taking unpaid leave for a week to be part of a
first response to a natural disaster isn’t too far fetched in comparison, no?

Already,
God was teaching and leading me through a lot. My World Race experience keeps proving to be a prelude as Elphaba sings:

“Something has
changed within me, something is not the same / I’m through with playing by
the rules of someone else’s game / Too
late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep / It’s time to trust my instincts, close my
eyes, and leap!  // It’s time to try defying gravity / I
think I’ll try defying gravity. . .”

And while
the Glindas of the world tell me,

“Can’t I make you understand? / You’re having delusions of
grandeur.”

I press
on, ‘cause. . .

“I’m through
accepting limits ‘cause someone says they’re so / Some things I cannot change but ‘til I try, I’ll never know / Too long I’ve been afraid of losing love I
guess I’ve lost / Well, if that’s
love it comes at much too high a cost! // I’d sooner buy defying gravity… // So if you care to find me, look to the western sky! / As someone told me
lately / ‘Everyone deserves the chance
to fly!‘ / And if I’m flying solo at
least I’m flying free / To those
who’d ground me take a message back from me // Tell them how I am defying gravity / I’m flying high, defying gravity…”