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I’m
in love, never been so sure of anything
Then again, could be a tumor in my brain
Tricking me into thinking that we were meant to be
Either way I’m about to shock my family
And my hometown again
‘Cause this time I’m leaving
Once I’m gone I cannot go back
I’ve got to trust this is right
‘Cause maybe I’m on my way to find you
But maybe I’m gonna make the mistake of my life
Since
we met my life’s been so up in the air
Here today but by next week I could be there
On the street struggling to support my newest vice
with a sign, says ‘I will work for love advice’
‘Cause I will mow your lawn
if you tell me what I’m doing wrong
But I’ll leave the car running
And I’ll leave half the boxes packed
For the slim chance I’ll go right back
– Derek Webb, “Mistake of My Life” (emphases added)
the song
is from caedmon’s call’s album long line of leavers, before derek webb went
solo. he wrote this song about chasing after a girl, who is now his wife
and mother of their child. everytime i’ve listened to this song as i drive
in my car the past months prior to the race, the song took on a whole other
meaning for me.
i don’t
like labels, but if that’s what some of you need to understand, so be it (just
know that i can’t stand it); launch training camp has been similar to ignition
in august in that it’s been what some would consider
“charismatic.” i’ve not been to a church that’s charismatic,
but i do know that for the past year or so, i have unwrapped the box of some
aspects of “reformed” theology.
“if
God is indeed sovereign and almighty, why would He limit giving His gifts and
not want His children to ask for and use them?” i wondered. thus,
i’ve stopped putting caps on what God does and doesn’t do. and that
eventually opened up a desire for more of His Spirit in me, in my life.
and to my surprise, He gave me more. and i find now that i can’t get
enough. i want more.
but it’ll
cost more. i’m trying to learn what it means to consider the cost before
accepting the call. the cost involves suffering. pain. even
death. still, all i do know is that i want to accept. it’s gonna be
hard but it’s worth it. clouds of witnesses testify to this, many of whom
did indeed die in order to follow Jesus.
what
drove me to apply for the world race was the desire to simply have more of
Jesus, to fall in love with Him again. and now that launch training has
ended, i’ve had random “holy crap, am i really here? how am i going
to do this?” moments. but it’s okay – if i really sat down and
calculated the risk and was “smart” about it, i’d probably still be
home, trying to figure out my career or whatever.
then i’d
have to wresle with regret, which sucks more, i think. i’d wonder what i’m missing out on because i never took the chance to go after
Him. i mean, yes, i know lisa black, the beautiful half of our dynamic
coaching duo, tells us that the great thing about being a woman is that all we
have to do is wait, and that we simply let the man do the chasing. yet i
can’t help but listen to the song and think that God is inviting me, almost
daring me, to let Him woo me by stepping out in faith.
and though i don’t how this chapter in my love
story with Jesus will unfold, i do know that i am NOT making the “mistake
of my life.”
