If you
missed part I, read it here.
I saw
this coming yet got caught off-guard.
Many of you getting this blog via email know that Jeff and Seth Barnes
had suggested an apprenticeship in mobilization/marketing as a post-Race
option. I’ve been volunteering for AIM
in mobilization since I’ve been home.
I often
thought, “Man, I can’t wait until I’m debt-free. Then I could spend most of my days doing this
instead of just doing this on the side.”
Then Jeff
actually called me out on it. Literally.
As we
continued our conversation, I felt my heartbeat quicken. I felt that “yes” forming in my spirit. We scheduled another call for next week; in
the meantime, I was to pray about it. In
the days following that conversation, the recent spell of restlessness and prophetic
words (i.e., “typewriter, bibliography” and “puzzle, pieces, peace”) began
fitting together.
I was
excited yet stultified. There was the
matter of my outstanding loan balances – credit card, student, auto. Coupled with the prospect of raising support
for an undefined period of time, I felt as if I’d be jogging rather than
sprinting into this new season.
I felt
quite hampered by my debt, so I started crunching the numbers into some payoff
calculators and multiple spreadsheets representing different scenarios (e.g.
staying at my current job full-time as long as necessary). Tangent: I asked myself, “Was I the finance person for both my teams for such a time as this?” The results were a bit disheartening; it
would take me two and a half years before I’d get myself out of debt before
coming onboard full-time.
. . . we are not long here;
our time is but a breath so we
better breathe it.
– Brooke Fraser, “C.S. Lewis Song”
The question at this point wasn’t whether or not I should take this next step; I just wasn’t sure when and how. It was one thing to depend on the Lord for one year while overseas. To depend on the Lord for only He knows how long here in the States was going to take graduate-level faith.
[Here’s
where I insert the disclaimer that I’m not being passive-aggressive or pointing
fingers, I’m just laying before you what weighed on my mind and heart]
Honestly,
I wasn’t doubting Him but His people – namely, you. I feared that perhaps I’ve overstayed my
welcome with you; that in asking you to invest and partner with me as I enter
full-time ministry Stateside I’d be crossing the line. I wondered if you’d think I’ve descended into
madness – putting my plans on hold so I could serve overseas for a year was as
much crazy as you could handle but choosing to surrender a steady job (albeit
in a slow, gradual way) while staying put (for the most part) in America is
just stupid.
Again,
these are just the doubts and imagined voices and expectations that started
creeping in – none of you ever said as much (at least, not directly) to
me). In fact, several of you have been
more encouraging and supportive and excited than I’d dared hope; I continue to
grow more grateful for you.
Then I
realized that I had yet to share this new development with my family. The prospect of disclosing this to my mom
dwarfed that of raising funds for a sustained amount of time. If her reaction to my going to Haiti, let alone her initial reaction to the World Race, was any
indication, then telling her seemed tantamount to climbing Mt. Everest and
relying on support likened to stepping over a molehill.
To be continued (again)…
