I am Redeemed

For two months I’ve tried to write a blog on God’s grace. I would come up with points and Scripture references to prove the existence of this extraordinary gift but whenever it came time to put the words together the page would remain white. I couldn’t understand why God had laid this topic on my heart and why He would allow me to mull over it for as long as I have. That all changed tonight. I finally had my “aha” moment.  I have been so focused on understanding grace that I completely neglected another important part of it; forgiveness.

For years now I have struggled with feeling inadequate. I haven’t attained many of the goals I should have at my age according to the world’s standards. I am flawed and imperfect. I make mistakes. I can’t forgive myself for things in the past which lead to constant battles raging in my head reminding me I’ll never be good enough. I had no idea that these thoughts would eventually tear me down. I went to dinner with a dear friend last night and shared two of my deepest secrets with her; two things that have made the biggest impacts on my life. I watched her face anticipating judgment. Surely she’ll walk out of this restaurant once she knows. Instead she encouraged me and told me God’s grace covers me. That’s such a hard thing to remember sometimes. My God sent His Son to die for me; a cruel and brutal death. John 3:16 is the most quoted Scripture and it says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” That’s pretty great, right? Verse 17 is even better. “For God did not send his Son into the world to CONDEM the world, but to SAVE the world through him.” God doesn’t constantly go over my faults after I’ve been forgiven. He’s not here to condemn me but to save me. I am His child and through His grace, He is molding me to be more like Him. I have to get these destructive thoughts out of my head and accept His forgiveness.

At the same time in accepting forgiveness, I need to offer it. I have been hurt by someone who should’ve been the last person to ever cause me pain. I’ve held a grudge and become bitter as I’ve allowed my heart to slowly harden towards him. I would pray for him and ask God to turn his life around but nothing ever seemed to change. I eventually said, “Ok! I’ve forgiven him. Moving on.” If my heart is still angry does that mean I truly forgave? I got to a point where it became too hard. I was constantly reminded of all the bad and didn’t really ever have a chance to escape it. Then I stumbled upon Matthew 6. In verse 14 it says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

I’ve come to the conclusion that my sin is not greater or worse than any other sin. So why am I so conflicted? It’s because I’m human. I have those flaws and imperfections that stop me from showing the grace I have received. It’s hard for me to accept that Christ has forgiven me. It’s hard to forgive someone who has hurt me deep. Until I can get rid of these chains, I’ll never understand God’s grace. Tonight, I decided I want to forgive and be forgiven. I want to be free. I want to be redeemed.

Ephesians 1:3-10
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.
 
You see…I’m a constant work in progress.