Next week is training camp. (Hyperventilating) The reality of this trip is starting to sink in. Maybe it’s because I started purchasing my gear. Maybe it’s the countdowns I see that remind me my time here is short. Whatever the reason, I’m in a more reflective state.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve struggled with feeling inadequate. I can’t comprehend why God would use someone as broken as myself to help spread His love. I’m not perfect. I’m not competent to do this. I’m not strong enough to last the year. But a friend of mine reminded me that that’s the point. I’m not supposed to be able to do any of these things…ON MY OWN! I was never asked to do this alone. My God has been shaping me and preparing me for this trip for years. I just didn’t know it.
Psalm 139 has been my go to lately.
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
The God of the universe knows me. He knows everything I think and the words I want to say. If I truly trust that God knows me then I have to also trust that He will protect me when I am walking in His path for me. He knows what I’m capable of. My feelings of inadequacy are irrelevant if I just cling to this.
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
I think at some point we all struggle with not being good enough. I have done so many wrong things in my life. Usually when that happens our first response is to run and hide. It doesn’t matter how hard we try. He won’t let us escape. He wraps us up in His loving grace and, if we are willing, guides us back to where we should be.
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
You created my inmost being…I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He created me the way that I am; all of my flaws along with my strengths. He knew what He was doing. He knew how to prepare me for the journey I’m about to venture out on. I can look back at every mission trip I’ve been on and take something that I’ve learned that related to this new adventure. (Tents, bucket showers, strange food, beautiful children) At the time I didn’t realize it but He was slowly molding me. If I had tried this Race seven years ago, who knows if I would have been able to handle the challenges? He knows what’s to come and how to make me ready. I have to rest in that promise.
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
These last two verses have become my prayer. I know what it’s like to be out of His will. I don’t want to be in that place again. I want Him to pull me apart and put me back together so that I can be used to bring Him glory. It’s hard sometimes to allow Him to do that. The funny thing is it’s even worse if we don’t. He has incredible plans for my life and I have to trust that His ways are better than my own. He knows what He’s doing. You can count on that!
