God has convicted me of teaching rather than learning. For years and years I have been a teacher and this is my first year where I’m actually learning. God has been teaching me how to be still in the midst of a storm. HOW IN THE WORLD AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?! So, I struggled learning how to do that. I spent time trying to figure out how to be in the center of a storm and being still and know that he is God. I’m doing a 100 a day squat challenge with my teammate and a squadmate. While trying to ignore the burn in my thighs, I start thinking about how I really just want to watch the rain. Even though I was the one who wanted to do it while it was raining knowing full well I love watching the rain, I started thinking of when I watch the rain I am always still, at peace and always full of adoration that God created rain. How it is so beautiful just seeing it cover the earth and water the wild plants. Then I started thinking about how I just want to run and play in the rain. I know full well I’m not going to because I have no extra clothes to get wet, so I sit in bed reminiscing about the fun that I usually have in the storm and then it dawned on me. I actually find joy in the storm. People usually run to shelter and try to stay dry while I run straight into the storm and have the time of my life trusting that I won’t get sick. Trusting that I will get cold and wet but I will have warm clothes to change into as well as a blanket to keep me warm. Now that I can see how to do it physically, how can I do it spiritually? Doing it spiritually literally means that I have to trust God that I will be fine after. Trusting God that with him I can find that peace. Trusting that he’s got me even when I’m going through a trial. I have been reading in Job today and I was actually shocked that God literally told the devil to give Job trials to test him. The man who has given his ALL to God. Though he went through death of his family, losing everything and then losing his health he still looked up to God and was still. Even within each trial that the devil threw at him, he was still. He knew that with everything that the devil had for him, God still loves him and God is still faithful. The devil couldn’t shake Job’s faith! Now I realize that the devil has been shaking my faith and I’ve been letting him. He’s been whispering in my ear and I’ve been letting him. He has been speaking death into my life and I’ve been letting him. How have I not realized this until now?! I have taken things into my own hands and have been wondering why I’ve been failing. I have not had a successful relationship with people. I have not had a successful relationship with God. It’s because I’ve been leading when I should’ve been following. The bible says in Psalms 46:10 “Be Still And Know That I Am God.” I have not been still in him. I have not trusted that he is who he says he is and he is a God of his word and will do what he says he will do.
God I am so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking trying to take your place in my own life. Trying to take control of things while they’re falling apart knowing that I’m the one that’s causing them to fall apart. I couldn’t understand why I felt so weak, so much self hatred because I could never do anything right. God, I am literally nothing without you. I need your ever present guidance in my life. Your spirit already dwells in me, I just need to let him take the lead in everything, even the small day-to-day things. Please forgive me for my wrongdoing. Please forgive me for my pride. Please forgive me for not being still and knowing that you are God. For not trusting that you alone are God, you alone can make my path straight. I have no hand in it and I don’t want to take the reigns anymore. I don’t want to be in control.
Please take the lead and take control. I want to be submerged in you not just dip my feet in every once in a while. I want to fully be yours. In your holy mighty glorious name, AMEN!
