Yeah, you read that right. Not a typo.
Pooetry.
The art of poetry, the subject matter, fecal. Pooetry is a way of chronicling all of the weird and/or interesting dumps you get on the race, because of new diet/ bad water/ worms/ living in India for a month. It was first introduced to me by some gents from April Expedition, and now I want to share it with you, dear reader. The following pooems are proof that every blog from the Race doesn’t have to be deeply spiritual or highly introspective. These are just a (stool) sample of quite a portfolio of work I’m pooting together.
Yes, I do realize that this is quite juvenile. No, I do not love it any less because of that. If you have a weak stomach/ no sense of bathroom humor, I suggest you turn back now. For the brave left among ye, I present my greatest works. Keep in mind that the timestamps can be very important.
House of Hope
Cisarua, Indonesia
9:31 AM 2/6/17
The ninety percent club they said
I scoffed and nodded and thought
“Not gonna be me”, went through my head
I stood to pee, and was quickly taught
Trust a fart and you’ll be dead
Club admission nearly sought
House of Hope
Cisarua, Indonesia
7:24 PM 2/6/17
Well, Pizza Hut, she came a knockin’
Small and large intestines talkin
And my tummy was really rockin’
Soon as I stepped through the door
Made it up the flight of stairs,
Dropped my bag and I was there,
On the toilet, butt cheeks bare
Ready to deuce some more
Well, the poop, it came out fast,
And sounded with a mighty blast,
I need this dump to be my last,
I pray these runs are o’er
House of Hope
Cisarua, Indonesia
11:24 PM 2/6/17
My insides are groaning and hurty
My stomach feels rotten and dirty
When I feel like I’m through
There is only more poo
I’ve been on the pot since 10:30
House of Hope
Cisarua, Indonesia
06:48 AM 2/7/17
Two Imodium got me through the night,
But as I woke to the morning light
I knew everything was not alright
The runs were back again
And so I sat, unsure what to do
‘Til I thought, “I ought to ponder my poo”
Aha! The journal, and today was day two
I’ll turn this loss into a win
But my phone was dead! Blast! Curses!
How was I to pen these beautiful verses?
With rhymes so sick I’d need many nurses
Hmm…Toilet paper and a pen.
CJK Airport
Jakarta, Indonesia
12:31 PM 2/7/17
Solid, finally
Done faster than expected
The runs are finished
Royal Guest House
Kolkata, India
6:36 PM 3/12/17
I hope that these awful dumps
Will soon stop
You see, each time that I poop,
I plop
Ten inches from bottom’s bottom
To water’s top
And that is just too far for poo
To drop
Royal Guest House
Kolkata, India
4:47 AM 3/13/17
They say when you eat a lot of food,
You have a food baby
But this delivery has been rough
I thought that poopin’ before bed would
Finish the job, maybe
But it seems that it wasn’t enough
Ya see, I played my cards wrong
I went all-in with 3
And thought, “These rolls are the stuff!”
I soon knew the night would be long,
A full house in my tummy
Chicken-egg rolls called my bluff
Royal Guest House
Kolkata, India
3:47 PM 3/14/17
I poop and poop and poop some more
My bowels are spent, my abs are sore
Waves of crap crash on the porcelain shore
As I try to remember a time before
The diarrhea
Royal Guest House
Kolkata, India
10:51 PM 3/14/17
They call it Delhi belly
Hot and nasty and smelly
Firm chunks, like beef stew
But it’s a liquid too
Somewhere between jam and jelly
Royal Guest House
Kolkata, India
06:42 AM 3/15/17
I woke up with this morning with a lot of gas,
and sat down on the toilet, on my phone
I prayed that soon, “This two shall pass”
and thought about India, our time had flown
I squeezed and strained, and was ready to quit
and looked down in the bowl, it was full of water
I gave one final push, that was what did it
And into the toilet I shot ‘er
Kolkata Airport
Kolkata, India
12:58 AM 3/16/17
I sat her and thought
“If these stalls could talk,
Oh the stories they’d tell”
I could see from the stains
That’d make anyone gawk
That things had not gone so well
I wondered which had been worse,
The spray or the shock
Or was it, maybe, the smell?
3Howw Hostel
Bangkok, Thailand
12:37 AM 3/17/17
Most solid deuce I’ve dropped in a while
With a beautiful view, this grey floor tile
When I think about it, it makes me smile
I like firm dumps and I can not lie
On the places I’d been today, I ponder
Near and far and just over yonder
In my heart, this city only grows fonder
Leaving soon makes me want to cry
Enough with the feels, back to this poo
My favorite of the race, well maybe #2
It’d make your gastoenterologist say woo hoo!
It must have been the pad thai
Baker’s Secret
Yangon, Myanmar
4:27 PM 3/20/17
Avoiding squaties has been my goal
Up to this point I haven’t flopped
I like to sit upon the seat of the bowl
Into the throne, my turds have dropped
Poop in the city, and not in a hole
I will shoot for all year. Will I be stopped?
Ming Courtyard
Beijing, China
07:32 AM 5/1/17
A butthole burner
Spices, poo, chaos ensues
Hot pot destroys me
somewhere in the Mongolian wilderness
Near Altai, Mongolia
10:46 PM 5/11/17
Moonlight shines down in pale silver streaks
Tranquil waters pass gently over rocks too often dry
Cool air, breathed down from the still-snow capped peaks
Caresses my cheeks, I stare into the starry night sky
I take it in, all of it
I take, but I also give
