My body was splattered in paint constantly this month. Not because I wanted it to be, but because I chose for it to be. Thailand was a month full of manual labor… YES! This is what I’m good at. I’ve been waiting for this for four months. I’m a hard worker and a pretty fast learner.
First day on the job, okay I got this, it’s pretty easy to paint a wall. And pshhh its going to be done in a couple of days. The place my team and I were working at brought in a pro, and his name was Phil, to teach us how to paint. Which got me thinking… do I really know how to do this? What if this is harder than I think? What if I mess this up? Hmm painting everyday, won’t I get tired?
This month my questions and expectations were squashed. Painting brought out a lot about my humanly desires and what the World tells me I need to be. Not because I’m good at painting, but because I’m an athlete, I’m a perfectionist, I’m a hard worker, I’m a people pleaser, I want nothing but the best.
It brought out a side in me that I haven’t seen very much on the Race. To be honest it scared me and I felt like I was falling back into old ways of trying to control my environment. Trying to make sure everything goes my way and the job is done correctly. Trying to please the people around me and show them that I can do anything that is set in front of me.
About halfway through the month I had to check my heart. Am I doing this for myself or for God? Is this to please me or for the Kingdom? Is this to help my host or to see the outcome of my hard work?
I’ve realized something about myself this month. I do have influence and God has given me abilities to lead others and encourage others. Yet it took sitting down with the Lord and one of my WR hosts Allison, to realize that “If that influence is for the good of yourself than its meaningless. You need to check your heart and make sure when you’re in these situations you’re trying to better the Kingdom and not perform.”
A performer is someone who entertains an audience. So what audience am I trying to entertain? There’s no audience watching me go throughout my life, but there are people who see how I act and the way I approach situations. So I found myself struggling with control, and what I realized is this… it doesn’t matter the outcome or the “things you get done” it’s about the way I act. The way I talk to people and the reasons I am doing these things. It’s to act out of Love and not out of performance or approval of others.
1 Corinthians 16:14 says “Do everything in Love.” Thats it, that’s what painting has taught me. To do everything in Love. Whatever it is I am doing it’s gotta be out of love. God’s Love, the one who created Love!
