Spiritually Absent
I’m writing this with the hope, that I am not the only one. I myself, have been in this position before, and in fact I’ve witnessed several of my friends walk through this exact spot on their spiritual journey as well. Currently, I am spiritual absent. I’m still not positive why this happens, but I know that it does, and I believe it’s one of the biggest ironies of the mission field.
As of right now I am eight days from Launch. Eight days away from living out the Gospel, eight days away from spending a year walking bold in the Lord. This is when I should be spiritually heightened; this is when I should be tethered to my God 24/7. But I’m not.
I haven’t been kneeling by my bedside, I haven’t been saying grace, I can’t stay focused or engaged when reading Scripture. Every word seems to go in one ear and out the other, I feel as though nothing is being retained, and no growth is occurring. As far as keeping myself engaged with the Lord, I’m not doing it, I’ve grown lazy.
Granted, there are some things that are absolutely unwavering. I know everything I have, every opportunity I get, everything that comes my way (good or bad) is sent by the Lord. I know He deserves all praise, all thanks, and all worship. He guides each and every one of my steps, I don’t question that for a second.
However, I think something happens when you fully invest yourself in the Lord. When you get so involved, be it in ministry, worship or missions, you become so focused on sending out and sharing the Word with others, that you forget to maintain the personal relationship with God that got you there in the first place. When the Gospel becomes your work and livelihood, it can sometimes become draining, to the point where you turn elsewhere to be filled up.
I have the subconscious thought that; ‘I’m about to give a year of my life to You, doesn’t that show You enough of my heart, do I really have to do all the other stuff too?’
This is not something I’m proud of. It is incredibly humbling and embarrassing to admit publicly. I am madly in love with my God, I was created in order to glorify Him, and I plan to do that every day of my life. However, unfortunately I’ve become so focused on my impeding trip, and its preparation, that I’ve grown lazy with my spiritual life.
I write this to say just because I feel I’ve been called to missions at this point in time, does not mean I have it all together spiritually. I’ve experienced this cycle before in my walk in faith and I am fairly certain it will happen again on the World Race. I’m not positive why it happens, or how to stop it. Perhaps it’s a necessary step in the growing process with God, (like when your muscles need to plateau before you can get more growth), or maybe I’m just missing something in the process.
Either way, Father God I humbly ask and pray that You continue to shower me with Your never ending grace and mercy. I ask Father that You pull me in, pull me in so close that I will feel Your love and presence every moment of every day, and that I will want nothing more than to give you never ending thanks and praise. Love, your truly humbled daughter.
