(Preface: I’m sorry there have been no photos lately, for some reason the uploader will not work…)
On the flight here to Europe I was beside some older, fairly loud and boisterous Italian men. Throughout the 10-hour flight, they would frequently get up to stretch their legs and then proceed to shower me with questions about who we were and what we were doing. Keep in mind, travel day is a long day of flying, swollen ankles and heavy lifting and we are all exhausted. Plus it’s my chance to put in headphones and find my happy place, and they may or may not have been slightly intoxicated, but that is neither here nor there.
However, I tried to be polite and share with them how we were traveling to 11 different countries for 11 months on a mission trip. One man loudly exclaimed in my face, ‘well that sounds fun!’ and I kindly responded, ‘it’s actually very challenging, but yes I am enjoying it.” My honesty was met with cackling and a mocking comment asking how an 11-month ‘vacation’ could possibly be ‘challenging’?
In that moment, everything in me wanted to get up in his face, and rattle off our adverse living conditions, our long days of ministry, and our constant instability (that’s ironic…). The anger and defensiveness that filled my heart in that moment was shocking and upsetting. Where did that anger come from and why was it so quick to bubble to the surface?
I realized in that moment, amidst the wave of humility that overcame me, I desperately needed some rest and some serious rejuvenation. I realized I was drifting, drifting from the purpose of this ministry, drifting from the peace of his goodness and drifting from the Lord.
Ever since we received our new teams a month and a half ago, I’ve been struggling. I’ve felt completely empty and drained beyond operation. I have been running on fumes and it shows. It shows in my character and in my actions, and quite frankly I’m embarrassed.
Ever since coming to know the Lord I have been encouraged to operate out of the overflow. Tim Keller refers to it in his book, The Meaning of Marriage, as ‘love economics’; you can only pour out to others when there is something in the bank. If the Lord is not continuously filling me up and overflowing me with His love, than it is only a matter of time before my tank becomes completely empty.
Well that happened some time ago. Somewhere along the way I stopped calling on Him, stopped needing Him, and begin to rely solely on my own strength and abilities. Before I knew it, my tank was not only empty, but it had been running on ‘E’ so long, that I now found myself broken down on the side of the road.
Entering into Month 10 of the Race, I realized I didn’t even have the energy to pick myself up off ground. The thought of ‘choosing joy’ seemed like the most excruciatingly exhausting task possible. I wanted the Lord, I wanted His divine strength and peace to fill me, but I felt so far gone, so distant from Him, that I didn’t even know how to start my climb back.
However for several weeks now, I have been praying that the Lord would some how fill me; some how bring me back to Him, right my heart, help me choose joy, and fill me abundantly with His strength.
What a blessing it is that He has placed us in the middle of Kotor, Montenegro. A vacation spot, where people from all over Europe flock to receive rest and rejuvenation. He brought Derek, my wonderful man of God, here to Kotor, in order to speak life into me and encourage my Spirit. He has given us a flexible ministry that allows for extended time with Him, and he has given us a Spirit-lead contact that encourages us to follow our hearts. He has placed me in the optimum situation to grow more intimately with Him, to re-learn hearing his voice, recognizing His presence, and resting in His peace.
It has been quite the process. I feel as though I have let myself become so drained from the last 9 months, that it is taking far longer for Him to fill me up than usual. But every early morning that I get to spend with Him, sitting on the edge of the Adriatic sea, feeling the coastal breeze and meditating on His word, I feel myself slowly opening up and growing back into the woman that He created me to be.
Upon returning to the States I intend on jumping feet first into the ministry that the Lord has set me on fire for. (That includes working with young women and growing my blog The Green Gospel.) Many of my fellow Racers have been encouraged by the Lord to take a season of rest once they return, however, I have not felt that calling. I feel led to jump off the plane and start running, and because of that I am very thankful for the season of rest that the Lord is providing me with now.
Very long story short, the Lord has reminded me that we must operate out of the overflow, we must operate from a place of gratitude not obligation, (which requires being filled with Him first). Without that we cannot move forward. Additionally, rest will not be truly rejuvenating to our soul unless that time is filled with, and centered on Him. I learned that one the hard way.
Father, continue to fill me with Your strength. Fill my heart with gratitude, so that I may operate from a place of thanksgiving. Take me deeper into relationship with you so that I can fully share of Your love, and glorify You to others. May the rest You’ve given me be satisfying to my soul and glorifying to You.
“So rock-a-bye baby, come and rest.
You’ve been tired lately, lay your head down.
Don’t you think baby, I know best.
I’ve been a Father for a long time”
Cecie’s Lullaby
By: Steffany Gretzinger
