The Lord asked me to give it all up, to leave behind the incredible life He gave me, in order to go on the Race. The calling was so clear, so I obeyed, I said yes. I said yes under the assumption that there would be some radical growth. I said yes under the assumption that He was going to use me for miraculous purposes. I said yes under the assumption that He was going to put me through a radical transformation. But I’m wondering if that was ever the truth.
We’re at debrief in Granada, Nicaragua, this should be a joyous, relaxing, revitalizing time of the race, and I’m spending it contemplating why I’m even here.
I’m angry. Back in Gainesville God gave me an incredible Jesus-centered community, He gave me a church that made me hungry for His Presence, He gave me a faith family that spoke life into me, He gave me amazing faith driven friends that spoke life into me, He gave me a family that encouraged and loved me, and He gave me a truly amazing, godly boyfriend, that reminded me of the Lords presence daily. He asked me to give all that up, under the impression that I would grow closer to Him in exchange. I trusted Him, and I said yes.
However, a month in, I’ve actually grown further from the Lord. All expectations of extreme intimacy have dissipated, and I’m wondering why in the heck God called me out here? There are people on my team that have incredible stories, there are people on my team who I look at, and envision where they’re going to be in 10 months, and I’m awestruck and ecstatic for their anticipated growth. I have talked with Derek, and have heard of the miraculous ways God has used him just in the last 4 weeks, and I wonder where’s my purpose, where’s my growth?
At the beginning of the month I felt that it was my role to just pour into my team. God gave me a security in my faith that enabled me to pour grace and love into those around me, and that was my purpose for the moment. I was/am fine with that, I’m willing to serve God in whatever way He calls me, but a month in, Jesus has yet to call out any miraculous struggles or growth within me. He’s done nothing but reinforce all the plans and hopes I had prior to leaving.
Lord, You didn’t have to call me out here just to confirm everything I originally wanted…
I still feel like my role is to pour into others whenever and however I can. In complete honesty, I feel like God’s pulled me out here for two reasons, 1) to essentially put me in time-out so He can work wonders in Derek, and 2) so I can love on people and give people grace. He has yet to illuminate what it is within me that is in need of transformation, I merely feel like a pawn in everyone else’s walk with God. Which is great. I’m glad I can be a stepping stone for people, but to call me away for 11-months, to leave behind everything I know and love, just to be a pawn in someone else’s faith-journey? I don’t understand that.
Above all else, I’ve lost all intimacy with God. I no longer have a real trusting community that speaks life into me. I’ve left behind the only church that made me hungry for the Lord, and I’ve lost all sense of what a relationship with Him looks like. I’m so focused on surviving the day to day of the Race, so focused on maintaining healthy relationships within my team and my squad, that there seems no time left to be flooded with the Spirit.
In the end, I’m angry. I’m angry with God, and I’m confused.
You asked me to leave a community that was centered around You, You asked me to leave a community I was grateful for, You asked me to leave a community and a life that pulled me closer to You each and everyday, and for what? To come out here and lose all intimacy with You, to come out here and lose all sight of You, just so I could be used as a stepping-stone in everyone else’s relationship with You? I’m truly very glad everyone is experiencing breakthroughs, and I’m truly glad I can serve You by loving on people and showing your grace, but is this really all I’m here for?…
I was told before the Race, that you hit a point in your mountain climb where you can no longer see where you started, and you still can’t see where you’re headed, and at that point all you can move on is faith. I guess that’s where I am. (Although I didn’t expect to feel this way so soon.) I guess I’m at that point where I’m losing sight of the purpose. But I need God to remind me, I need Him to remind me ASAP, I need Him to illuminate what it is I’m here for, because right now I’ve got nothing, and I’m lacking a reason to fight.
