Sometimes we find ourselves in environments that require more of us. That requires us to rise above our usual selves; to be more generous than we typically would, be more patient, more kind, more selfless. These scenarios happen, and if we rise to the occasion, as hard and as trying as they may be, we feel pretty accomplished. We learn in that moment that we are capable of more greatness than we thought possible. It’s encouraging, it’s uplifting, we’re on a high, pat ourselves on the back, and then the moment passes.
I don’t want to be called to greatness; I want to go there automatically.
Two weeks ago, as the New Year hit, we received brand new teams here on the Race. I now find myself on a team with five other incredible women of the Lord, and I have to be completely honest; I’m not challenged as much.
Scratch that, I’m actually challenged a lot, but in a completely different way.
Compared to conditions thus far on the Race, life this month has been fairly easy. Nothing is severely pushing my buttons, or getting under my skin, testing my strength, or forcing me to take the high road. In both my physical conditions and my community, life together is pretty, well…easy.
So then what? If I’m not being called to greatness, if my circumstances are not requiring more of me, if I’m not being pushed to the absolute limits of what my mental and emotional state can handle, am I growing?
Yes.
And in a much more permanent way.
Back in October I wrote a letter to my future self. Dear Month Eleven. If I could analyze myself now at Month-5, I would argue that I was closer to my ‘Month-11 self’ three months ago. However, I don’t believe that growth was permanent. I believe that growth was dictated by my circumstances. I was that kind of woman because things were hard and I felt I needed to rise to the occasion.
But I want to be that woman ALL the time. When life is hard and when it is easy. When I feel challenged, and when I don’t. I don’t just want to be a ‘good’ person when things get hard and it feels like the right thing to do. I want to be a good person just because that’s who I am, inside and out, all the way through to my core. I want to be patient, because that’s who I am, I want to be kind, generous, encouraging, uplifting, loving, self-controlled, because that’s who I am, not because certain circumstances require me to be. I want to inscribe the characteristics of Month Eleven Samara into my DNA so they are there constantly, in every situation, in every moment, of everyday.
I felt called out here on this Kingdom Journey, in order to test my strengths, stretch myself, grow in my character, and in my relationship with the Lord. I’ve witnessed how the conditions of the Race can call me to better things. Being in tough circumstances, in exhausting ministries, with limited resources, it stretches you and what you think you are capable of. But in six short months I will return home to the States, and where will I be? Will I resort to my old self because I’m no longer challenged by a 24/7-community? Or will I be able to completely own these characteristics that I am witnessing, completely embody them at all times?
My perspective is shifting. Quite frankly I think it is harder to be that loving, caring, generous, selfless, encouraging person back home; in the States, surrounded by things and people that make you comfortable, surrounded by a society and media industry that encourages you to live an individualistic, self-driven life style. Embodying those characteristics that Scripture calls us to is far more difficult when embedded in our own society. However, the Race has shown me the kind of person I want to be. It has shown me glimmers of characteristics I didn’t know I had, and I want those to become a bigger part of me, both here on the Race and more importantly back at home.
I may not be challenged in the same way, and I may not have much demanded of me. But whether it is asked of me or not; every morning that my feet hit the ground, I want to be the woman that the Lord always created me to be.
