After I uploaded my last post, things actually got worse. By acknowledging all my spiritual shortcomings, my anxiety heighted and my frustrations increased. The past week has been rough. My faith has never felt so small. It seems completely nonexistent, when I need it to be at its peak. I found myself wanting to scream out “LORD! Where the heck are you?!” and yet I didn’t have the energy or passion to go looking for Him. I’ve been spiritually shallow. It made me question if my faith was big enough to go on this trip, and if it was even real? My faith had gone missing and I couldn’t find it anywhere. I found myself longing for God’s presence but having no clue how to find it. I was so insecure about it, so sensitive to judgment and suggestion. My spiritual sensitivity caused me to be hostile toward everyone; lashing out on my parents for no reason, being emotionally absent from my friends, closing myself off from my boyfriend. It caused me to retreat, to become angry, lonely, insecure, and frustrated.
Last night I lost it. I couldn’t handle the distance anymore. I fell to my knees and cried out to my God. A pool of tears quickly followed.
I can’t do it anymore Lord, I don’t know where you are, and I’m not sure how to get you back, but quite frankly, life without you sucks, and I don’t want it anymore! Lord if I can’t do this with you, I don’t want to do it at all! Lord, I’d rather be hurt and have you by my side, than feel nothing with you nowhere to be found.
The worst part is, last night I was reminded of my life before Jesus. Growing up I suffered with tremendous insecurities, and lacked confidence. I was incredibly sensitive to everything, guarded my heart against so much emotion, and fought with everyone. I was angry, I was bossy, and I was mean. Unfortunately, when all you’ve known is darkness, you have no idea how dark your world really is.
Since then, I’ve felt the light, I’ve been filled with it, I’ve swam in it. I’ve experienced a spiritual high, and know there is nothing like it. That’s why this week has been so heartbreaking. I’m no longer surrounded in darkness, so the darkness I was residing in, was magnified. The whole week I’ve been frustrated, because I know this isn’t me, I am made anew in the Lord, this is not who I am anymore, and this is not what I was created for. I know this beast won’t go away over night, but I felt better this morning than I’ve felt all week. For the first time since Saturday I felt the Lord’s presence, I felt moved by Him, and even if it’s just a sliver, it is the greatest sliver of time I’ve ever known. I will continue to pursue Him with all my heart, because I know He will bring me back, and when He does it will be 10-fold!
Better is one day in your courts, Than thousands elsewhere!
(Song starts at :32)
