My whole life I was the bitch. Excuse my language, but that is the truth. I was the one with the attitude, I talked back, I was bossy and I thought I knew it all. I didn’t like it about myself but it’s what everyone saw in me. People called me one so often; friends and family, that I began to believe it. What else would I be? No matter how hard I fight it, this is what I am, a bitch. This is what everyone see’s me as.
It sucked. It fed into all of my self-loathing growing up. Not only did I struggle with who I was on the outside, but also I hated who I was on the inside. I didn’t think I was ever capable of love. Every time I thought I was loving someone else, I’d still be called rude or controlling or selfish. I felt like a lost cause, there was no redemption for me. No hope. This is who I was and who I will always be.
But I was so so wrong. I am not a bitch, I am not controlling or selfish, not anymore, those things don’t define me. I am a beautiful daughter of the God Most High; I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That is who I am. And I am capable of love; I am capable of loving really well. It’s just a choice, like I said in the beginning. If I set my eyes on the Lord, if I choose Him, always, every day, if I choose to be Jesus to those around me, than He who dwells within me comes out. People I didn’t think I could love, generosity I didn’t think I had, patience I thought I lost long ago, I begin to possess, and I possess them in tremendous capacities. I am capable of so much more than I ever thought possible, because I have my God living inside of me. When my strength runs out, that’s when His picks me up. When I think I’ve reached my limits, His abilities allow me to push even further.
I used to think I was a lost cause, I was who I was because God made me that way, life made me that way, and there’s no changing it now. But I spoke the biggest lie over myself for 20 years. I am made anew, I am Redeemed, I am who Jesus initial made me to be, long ago before lies and falsehoods ever took over my mind. I am kind and loving and gentle and patient and gracious and generous, because that is who the Lord is and now His Spirit dwells within me. The Race has shown me that yes, I make mistakes and I am far from perfect, but with the Lord at my helm I am capable of a love and a life far greater than I could ever imagine.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14
