Honesty hour, I’m struggling. I’m struggling a lot. I find it just as important to share the “ugly” things as it is the “beautiful” things. This is not for sympathy, but to shine light on the lie that followers of Jesus are supposed to have it all together. I have decided to let everyone in on what’s going on in my head and heart and what the Lord has been teaching me through it.
Moving away from home for 9 months is hard, as you could probably imagine. These last couple weeks have been beyond mentally and spiritually straining. They have been really hard. Almost every night I’ve been going to bed thinking of home and waking up thinking of home. What my bed feels like, my mama’s hugs, my best friends smiles, my dog, mac-n-cheese, a hot water shower and air conditioning is constantly on my mind. Lot’s of tears have been shed thinking about how many days away these things are away from me.
On top of being very homesick, my team had some unfortunate luck with ministry. The ministry we all settled into and got attached to very suddenly fell through. Among other reasons, because of this we had to move locations. Our team packed up all of our stuff, many weeks too early, and now are living in the city working with a new ministry. I got attached to people in the village, I fell in love with the kids I was teaching. I thought I was going to have a lot more time with them than I got. It hurt leaving them. It was an intense and hard transition.
Living with a lot of people is very hard, let alone as of 6 months ago we were all strangers. It’s a very beautiful thing having a constant community. But also having someone a few inches away from you quite literally 24/7 can get very overwhelming. Showering, using the restroom, crying, breathing or just relaxing is not an option to do away from people when living in such close corridors. I never knew how much I valued alone time until I didn’t have access to it anymore. It’s easy to get frustrated, irritable, overwhelmed and just tired from having to be “on” all the time. A lot of my circumstances have been building up and building up and building up. It’s made it easy to slip into a negative mindset. It’s made it easy to start overthinking the small things.
We are now half way through month 6, which means at this point I have met a lot of people, I have seen a lot of things. I have seen how governments treat women, people of different beliefs and children. I have watched people turn their backs and pretend like nothing has happened. I have heard stories of pain and suffering. It has left me with a broken heart. It has left me with anger and a lot of sadness.
These are all just a glimpse into things I am thinking and I am saying. The real question now is what does Jesus think and say?
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be matter and complete, not lacking anything.”
James 1:2-4
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
Ephesians 6:12
“In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and all the darkness has not overcome it.”
John 1:4-5
At the end of the day, the creator of the UNIVERSE is standing right next to me, holding my hand. He is promising me that he makes the ugliest situations beautiful. He is showing me that no matter how dark the world may seem at times, no darkness can match his light. Jesus has been teaching me that perseverance through hardships will bear SO much fruit and growth. That if I just keep my eyes focused on Him, his love, his grace and his light that I will time and time again come out on top. He has reminded me that my war isn’t against people, situations or circumstances, but on the devil. The ultimate goal is to love and forgive like Jesus did. In my opinion, that is the most important thing to remember, everything else will follow.
Through all of this, Jesus has been showing me and reminding me why I chose to pick this missionary lifestyle to begin with. I already knew the world had darkness, Jesus sent me here to spread some of his light into that darkness. I am here to share my testimony to hopefully help create some new ones. I am here to give out some hope and peace. All of this starts and ends with Jesus, that is why I came on the race. It felt like for a second there I forgot this.
I really feel like someone who is reading this, needs to hear this from the Lord. Know that no matter how impossible a situation may seem, no matter the outcome Jesus WILL make it beautiful. You can rest easy in the truth of what Abba says.
In light of all of this I just ask that everyone would be praying for my squad, my team and I to be able to dive as deep into the Lord as we can during this had season and all the seasons following. It’s important to me for me to be open and honest with everyone supporting me where I am at mentally so thank you for sticking with me if you got this far.
Fundraising update- I am unfortunately 2 weeks past the deadline, but I am only $890 away from being FULLY FUNDED!!!!!! Praying praying praying.
Travel update- I am spending the last couple of weeks of our time in Asia in Chiang Mai, Thailand. At the end of this month my squad and I will be traveling to our last country, Nicuargua!!! Crazy stuff!!!!
God is good. God is faithful.
With love, Samantha
